In His Time

Moving On...

2005-11-26T04:23:00.000Z

Well, have managed to keep from blogging for some time and will be blogging much less often... Just to get thoughts down which will benefit everybody.

So started a more reflective journal at Ponderings.

Yeah.... journals all over the place I know. But hope you enjoy the other one : )

Thanks for reading my thoughts all these years.

Avoiding Ghostly Doings

2005-10-29T00:48:00.000+01:00

I went to London today, ostensibly to visit Munyi and Nessie, but also to avoid a Halloween party that was going on today. The idea of dressing up as something evil to celebrate something I didn't even know about seemed a little strange and funny and weird, and the final decision was that I'd rather not.

I had a lovely time walking to the train station after lectures ended unexpectedly early today, my heart free in the knowledge that He'd helped me finish a piece of work (due on Monday) yesterday, the first time I had ever finished something so early beforehand and the most effort I'd put into academia for a long time. I'm so thankful that He's teaching me not to be so last-minute, to put my best into my work. One of the reasons for that is that He's put a really lovely, hardworking girl opposite me, the housemate I'm closest to. We laugh together, share together, scribble away frantically during lectures together; and most of all, she starts assignments way ahead of schedule, which makes me do the same as well, and we pool all the journal articles we find online together. I'm so thankful. I'm confident that we'll both do better than if we'd done things on our own; everyone knows that teamwork gives better results.

Anyway, it was lovely walk to the station, with the usual horses and fields and autumn leaves drifting down - tried to identify some of them - recognised the usual pear, London plane, English oak, turkey oak, liquid amber, and the prettiest sprigs of holly with bright red berries. Many of them I still can't place, though; need to work on those tree identification skills!

I'm so thankful that I managed to attend OCF in London today with Munyi. I didn't think I'd be able to, even though I was thinking about it last night and how lovely it would be to go to OCF. At that moment when I was there I was so glad that I was, instead of wasting my time in a poky little room with drunken witches and vampires and ghostly things. It was encouraging, too, even though people at the back where I was sitting were whispering and chatting away and I actually gathered up courage to shush them! Think they were quite surprised (who's this serious goody-two-shoes girl?)

But the sharing was good. The topic of the day was relationships, and listening to them share I felt so refreshed to be in the presence of like-minded people, people who felt and thought as I did, even though everyone else would see things differently. I realised again that God has a plan for my life, a destiny for me to fulfill which I am walking in even now. I find it amazing that everything has been planned by Him. And I realise that I can miss my destiny through sin and disobedience to God, and I don't want that to happen. I just want to be close to Him, empowered by Him, filled with His joy. I want people to see something different in me, because I know that this may be the only time in their lives they're near a Christian, or this may be the only way God can show them His love - through me.

I had a lovely train ride back as well (though it was late!). It took me about an hour on the train to get back, and Charles Swindoll's beeeeeeewtiful book "Living Above the Level Of Mediocrity" absorbed me a good part of the way.

I had a lovely, lovely day. Thank You for the memories of today and thank You for the warmth of fellowship with You... : ) Thanks for the many, many blessings.

: )

2005-10-26T01:01:00.000+01:00

Today we had our third cell group....

The Africans are amazing. So encouraging. So passionate. So ready to share and so fervent. I felt so unworthy to share today's message. I should learn from them.

What a privilege it is to learn from this group of people. I pray that we'll be able to draw close together, encourage each other on this walk...

Creepy Crawlies Abound!

2005-10-06T23:05:00.000+01:00

I found a spider THIS BIG crawling into my room.
From ________________________________________________ to

_____________________________________________________

Seriously it was either this big or bigger.

I am definitely not going to do my project on insects. I've seen enough of them to last me a lifetime! And because I'm learning about them (or ecology in general) I haven't the heart to kill them, especially spiders cos they get rid of all the other pests! This is what comes of having a soft heart and studying biology!

Ok, I will stop blogging and start reading my journals.

Be More Focussed Ruthie!

2005-10-06T17:06:00.000+01:00

Deciding between a pub crawl and dinner with a Christian friend should be easy, but it's not.

On one hand you want to get to know more people and you think everyone else is making friends faster than you and you're panicking, so you want to go for the pub crawl. On the other hand you would like to spend the night having dinner with someone you like very much, don't know very well, and would like to get to know better.

It should be a pretty clear choice, but it took me half a day to make it, because I still like being popular and I still like doing what everyone else does.

It's not nice to feel yourself out of things.

But I'm slowly learning, and He is slowly teaching me, that to rise above mediocrity means being unafraid to be different. I'm learning to do what I really want to do and be unafraid of standing out. Who's going to follow you if you are following everyone else?

Hopefully, I will get to know the rest of them better sometime, but help me and teach me to listen to Your voice so that I don't misuse the time You've given me...

Counting My Blessings (and Rabbits)

2005-10-05T22:04:00.000+01:00

Doing a Masters' is harder work than I thought, especially at this particular campus in Ascot (or more specifically, between Ascot and Sunningdale). If you don't have a bike, you can only go grocery shopping twice a week in the minibus, or if your timetable is too busy, you don't get to go at all which is not too good! It almost drives you mad because it's so isolated and the feeling of claustrophobia you get in here is just incredible. It's miles from anywhere and most of the time you don't see a single human soul!

But this place is definitely pretty. It's set in a park and when I look out of my window in the mornings, I see fields and rabbits and rabbit holes and trees. Walking around the campus I see more rabbits and going to lectures you also see rabbits. Besides these, there are squirrels and the occasional deer. Very different from bustling Leeds with all its shops and people. There are times here when you just don't see anyone about and it's eeriely quiet. I guess because this is a postgraduate campus, everyone is either busy studying or conducting fieldwork or homesick in their rooms!

Last Sunday my prayers were very surprisingly answered when I stumbled on a church in quite a coincidental way and also met some Christians on my campus. I'm so thankful that I met them because amidst the disconcertment of this week that Sunday was the one bright spark in my week! After that a kindly woman from church made lunch for us and that was lovely. We met her two little cats and they were beautiful, proud and aloof just as cats should be. Although this church is small and homely and has been pastorless for two years it suits me just fine. I was praying for a church where I could grow and serve and meet people who would help me grow in Christ and this church fits. It's 20 minutes' walk from here so that isn't too bad. (Need to get a bike.....)

The speaker spoke on discipline helping (AHHHHHHH A LOCUST! A locust in my room!!!! AHHHhhhhhhhh *faint* UGH!!)

(It's still in here somewhere...oh well this is what comes of living in the middle of a jungle)

The speaker spoke on God disciplining us and said that discipline showed that God loved us and that it would result in us sharing in His holiness and righteousness and peace. I remembered that I had been praying that He would make me pure, with a pure heart and pure in speech and mind and action recently. So I definitely wanted to share in his holiness, but I was going "Uh oh" to myself because I definitely didn't want to be disciplined for that...

But this week has been a difficult week, and maybe Him disciplining me. It's the adjustment to a new place. Like I said, the bright spark in the week was going to that little homely church. It's strange attending lectures again, it's pressurising because people here seem so smart, mature and on top of things! However, I'm thankful for the people I've met too, and thankful also for old friends. Above all I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have Him to talk to. Things can get a bit lonely or disconcerting sometimes but He is the same always. And there's nothing to fear from people, because as long as I am following Him and listening to Him, no other voice really matters does it? Petty things just melt away then.

I'm so aware of my weaknesses still and even more so in the midst of all this readjustment, but I just remember what the preacher said last Sunday about the cracked pot. The cracks in a broken pot allow light to shine through and I hope that people here will see Christ through my weaknesses. Also (in another analogy) the potter will have to crumple up the clay in a misformed pot, melt the pot and mold it into a beautiful new one. The process hurts but the product is beautiful! I will count my blessings and they are innumerable, they are too much to count and I will always praise Him with all my heart. There is a purpose to this and

"it will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

I won't be blogging so frequently nowadays cos I won't have too much time on my hands now and will need to focus on what's important and my goals for this year (they don't include blogging!) Still, I hope that what's written here will also help you to think about your own life and where you are. No matter how tough things are, give thanks in all things and for all things. And no matter if you think you cannot cope, don't give up. He is beside you, and the cracks in a broken pot are for the light to shine through, and this light is Christ. Take care dear reader.

When Two or Three Are Gathered...

2005-09-25T15:30:00.000+01:00

Today our family had a precious time of prayer together before my mother went to bed, and God was faithful and true to what He said: “When two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.” We prayed for each other and my parents prayed for me and for the year ahead in a new college and in a new place. It was an indescribably beautiful time and although my mom had to go to bed later than usual I hope that she’ll wake up even more refreshed tomorrow.

Of course, the tears will come when you don’t want them to, but they’re nothing to be embarrassed about. :op

Thanks to my parents’ prayers, I had a wonderful year last year. It wasn’t always happy and I think I shed many more tears last year as well as had to face up to a lot more things that He showed me about myself (not pleasant ones)! But it was a year where I learnt a little more about what it means to have a simpler, purer heart, a year when I grew a little more. I really believe that God answers the heartfelt prayers of parents. And because of my parents’ prayers, I have a little more courage to face the unknown with Him by my side. This year will be wonderful as well :o)

Determined..

2005-09-24T16:54:00.000+01:00

The previous entry was written in a moody fit when I had been doing my feedback form on China for a few days and still couldn’t get it finished. But I’ve finished it now *phew*. Took a long time though, if you count the dates between the entries.

In “How to Get Better Grades and Have More Fun” by Steve Douglass with Al Janssen, it says, “Even if you don’t solve every problem well, hand in what you’ve done. Of course, do the best you can. But remember that partial credit always beats no credit… So don’t keep turning in your homework late all the time because of your perfectionism.” How relevant to myself, and, I’m sure, to many of you reading this!

If you want to read a book that will really change your life, it’s this book. It’s simple, practical, and powerful. And it comes with a money-back guarantee! This book, and the exam-stress pamphlet (if you want one, just email me, I’ll send you one straight away! I mean the pamphlet, not the book haha) got me through all my major exams from the O-levels onwards, and I can testify that the principles really work!

The basic premise of the book is that 80 percent of the benefit from school comes from doing the right 20 percent of the activity well (the 80/20 rule). Determine the objectives of each class and study for these objectives, cutting out what is superfluous. Listen and think aggressively.

As I go back for my final year, I’m resolving to put in a lot more effort in my studies (and to become again the 80/20 student I was in Secondary School!) than just slacking away like I did the previous three years. If I’m going to be a teacher, I must love what I’m teaching and I must know it like the back of my hand. I want my students to enjoy their classes, not see them as routine. Enthusiasm must be infectious, but it has to stem from actually knowing the material well, and loving it!

As part of my preparation for going back to do postgraduate studies I’ve also been reading Chicken Soup for the College Soul (yeah… a dusty copy from Junior College days). An article said that in an interview of a class of graduates from Harvard thirty years later, the 5% who actually had goals with deadlines had achieved and surpassed their goals while the 80% who had no goals and the 15% who had goals without deadlines had achieved far less. The net worth of the 5% who had goals with deadlines exceeded that of the 95% put together! This shows how powerful goals are.

I’m thankful that a new academic year is starting, with no mistakes in it yet, and that I can write out my goals. I have written them down in my journal and He will help me as I persevere.

I pray that this year His name will be glorified HUGELY, in my friendships, in my studies, in my character. I pray for a pure and clear and simple heart, to be able to appreciate people and to be able to focus on what’s really important in life. This is all I ask for, and for the perseverance to be able to meet and surpass my goals.
This year is going to be a year of growth, and although there’s a pang in my heart at the thought of leaving Singapore again, I know that it will be an adventure.

Wake Up Ruth

2005-09-20T03:44:00.000+01:00

When can I change? Laziness, apathy, unfeeling. These are just some of the things that I try and try so hard to change and I fail and fail.

I just opened an email from one of my brothers which woke me up a little. I can’t really put the whole of it down, but it said “Revival = Hard Work”. And it said about how in our walks with Him, we need hunger and faith to believe His promises.

It’s true. I can’t expect myself to magically grow overnight. I’m tired of living a mediocre life, I only have one need, wake up, wake up, wake up, and run with all your heart after Him.

Lists

2005-09-14T14:23:00.000+01:00

Things I'll Miss About China

1. How frank the people are. I've been told my Chinese pronunciation was inaccurate and my Chinese characters (handwriting) childish. Then again, someone else said our Chinese was good and that our Chinese characters were pretty well-formed too. Hmm...

2. Nan Gua Bing (Pumpkin Biscuit): a sort of soft doughy round orange squishy delicious thing.

3. The roadside stalls, where everything is cooked on the spot and served steaming hot by the roadside.

4. The kids. Instead of seeing parents with their children, you see parents with their child. And the children are so cute. You can walk up to them and start talking to them and pretty soon a nice little set of gums and teeth will show.

5. The extra two lanes by the side of the main roads for the pedestrians and cyclists.

6. How crossing the road is an adventure.

7. The adventurous spirit of many of the people here, who brought us around and who took us "zhuan"ing (wandering) all over the place: into greenhouses to look at grapes, onto unstable rafts and bridges, to the top of mountains to look at peacocks, and almost into a yellow bees' nest.

8. Being able to call my friends in China.

9. Being able to learn so much from other people just by asking them questions and letting them talk.

10. The surprise of discovering you have so much in common with a person who seems so different from you.

Things I Won't Miss About China

1. Having to "jin" (toast) people, which makes me a little nervous, and having to "gan bei" (drain your cup).

2. The little furry boiled crabs with the orange squishy roe.

3. Not being able to understand what people say when they're speaking in dialect.

4. Having to wash my own clothes, although it was quite fun for two weeks, hanging them out to dry in the sun after.

5. Not really knowing what furry squishy uncooked sea creature it is I'm eating.

Relief

2005-09-12T12:15:00.000+01:00

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped."

These words comforted me alot this morning when I was frantically revising through my notes on the addition of rational numbers in Chinese. I'd been preparing my lesson for a few days, although I'd not done as much intensive preparation as I would have liked to, and had spent a ridiculous amount of time making the powerpoint with the little character which I called "Xiao Dou Dou" (The Little Pimple) moving above the number line to specified spots.

Then yesterday I called a very obliging Kenny and spent the whole night giving him my lesson. I am sure he must have been tired of it, but he was very patient and corrected alot of my Chinese and gave me new ideas and phrased my complicated, convulated sentences simply. I was very, very grateful when I hung up, with a piece of paper full of his suggestions and changes. There were some times when he had to repeat a sentence three or four times so that I could get it down, and this he did so patiently and willingly that I was very thankful.

This morning was a blur of waking up at 630 and having breakfast in the school canteen (poridge with salted vegetables), reading my Bible (Saul making last-minute sacrifices before a battle! NG) and last-minute frantic memorisation of stuff. Then before I knew it the class was filing in for their lesson and their earnest faces were upturned, attentive, adorable. They were very enthusiatic and answered my questions in chorus (quite scary) and a model class overall. I'm not sure whether the school gave me a very good class on purpose, but everything turned out alot better than I thought (especially with Kenny's suggestions, which I put into use) and I was very relieved after my lesson.

After that I passed a few of the pupils in the school grounds and couldn't help grinning at them, and they grinned at me too :o) It's moments like these when I'm very sure that I couldn't do anything else but teach, and am motivated to do my best and be an excellent teacher.

In the afternoon we had a talk with the school's younger teachers, who've only been in the school for less than three years, facilitated by Mr Zhu. It was good learning from them, and I'm sure it was mutual. They called these talks/ exchanges "jiao liu", which means interaction and learning and beginning a friendship all in one. I hardly believe how much they want to know about our country, and how much they want to visit. I guess we take alot of things for granted in Singapore - the lack of corruption, the safety, the lack of natural disasters (we're in the middle of a near-typhoon here), the beauty and convenience of everything, and the opportunities and high standard of living. We may think life in Singapore is stressful, but from what I've seen here I don't think we've much justification for our complaints, oh no, because life here is even more stressful - there is pressure from everyone to do well and to make good, and pressure from the whole concept of "face" - people can work so hard just for the sake of saving face. Which, in a way, is not a bad thing: like I said, the sense of excellence here is something that I want to bring home.

I'm thankful that, even though my Chinese isn't very good, it's at least usable and I understand and know enough to be able to appreciate the people and personalities here. I like talking to a person in his native tongue.

I think language can be such a huge barrier to understanding people. If you were to speak to someone in a language he wasn't familiar with you wouldn't be able to understand him fully. And although I can't express myself very well, I understand enough of what people say (or specifically Mr Zhu, whom we were talking to for hours after the "interaction with the younger teachers") to be able to appreciate the noble ideas and the maturity of the person expressing them, or to recognise a similarity in them to myself - a drive to excel and a sense of fun. I'm always so pleasantly surprised when I meet someone of another culture whom I can identify with so well; it seems to show that the world is smaller than we think and that people are not that different beneath all the trappings of culture and customs after all.

I wish my Chinese was better; some of the teachers here say that we sound like people from Guangzhou who don't really have proper inflection of tones! Ah well, that's the curse of being a Singaporean - not quite precise pronunciation of English and even less precise knowledge or pronunciation of your mother tongue! Still, though, I hope my Chinese improves enough to be able to express what I really think and feel clearly and accurately one day. Then we'll really be able to "jiao liu" and learn from each other, and get to know each other more.

Thoughts, In No Particular Order

2005-09-09T19:25:00.000+01:00

It's been quite a strange day. It's Teachers' Day in China today, and we had to put up an item for it. Being People of Very Little Talent we decided on a gimmick i.e. a midget show. It worked well as people were pretty enthusiastic, they said they'd only ever seen this kind of thing on television.

After that we went for a dinner with the usual raw soya sauce prawns, eel, fried frog's legs and pig's trotters and sea slugs and all sorts of unidentifiable (but delicious to a certain extent) things.

Then we came back and Rhys and Jeni wanted to go to a club because it was Friday night. So I went to a Chinese club for the first (and probably the last!) time in my life. It was a strange experience, but I think the most overwhelming feeling I had was one of sadness. It was sad seeing the girl in the next booth hanging around with a bunch of half-naked guys and it was sad seeing the slightly off-his-rocker guy smoking a receipt (!) pole-dancing in front of the room. I just felt that people there could have had different lives had the circumstances been different. I don't really know how to express what I felt, but it wasn't positive :o(

We had a really good chat after that and stayed out til about 1, and I found out more about Wales and about Chinese people too, from perhaps a more unbiased perspective.

And I was not surprised to discover that Julia was a Christian. So, *hoping hard*, I might actually get to go to a Chinese church this Sunday, if the activities the school's planned for us don't clash with the morning service. I really hope not, because I've been hoping to go to a church since I got here.

For all that I think Mr Zhu is really funny and lively and moley (he has a humongous mole just above his chin) I was devastated when he forgot my name when he toasted me today. Well!!!!

Hotpot

2005-09-06T15:19:00.000+01:00

Lesson observation today, and a very very good teacher held the attention of a class of sixty very obedient and enthusiastic kids. The lesson was organised, practical and interesting, which was a wonderful feat considering the class size and the resources available!

After the lesson observation we went down to the staffroom and chatted with the teacher, and we had a good time learning about each others' teaching methods (well, her teaching methods, rather), and how classes were run here in general, and also just finding out more about each other.

If there's one thing I want to carry away from here, it's that sense of excellence in doing all things. So many people I've met here do their utmost for everything they do, and it's just so that they can hold their heads high at the end of the day and say, "I've done my best. I have no regrets."

After lessons were over one of the music teachers, Mr Zhu, brought us to a little park where relics of haimen were preserved and the history of Haimen was remembered. It was very pretty, with houses made of straw and a giant tower which we climbed (notwithstanding the fact that we'd climbed a hill the previous day).

Mr Zhu was young and he had a face which promised humour in his character. And we weren't disappointed as we got to know him and found that it was different and refreshing being with him, after having had all these talks and discussions with the older teachers. He asked all sorts of questions and made observations and inferences that were somewhat impertinent and he was very lively and funny. I liked him immediately.

After we finished looking at everything we took a little wander around the park. The Chinese say "zhuan" for wander, and I like that word. It just evocates taking little turns, and getting lost, and discovering new things, and curiosity and whimsy.

So we were "zhuan"ing around the park, and we came upon a little lake in the middle of the park with a half-sunk Chinese ship at its side and a shaky bridge in the middle made of half-rotten logs. Mr Zhu immediately leapt onto the bridge with a lively expression after asking us whether we could swim (not a reassuring question, as I was wearing a white dress too, didn't want to even think about the possibility of having to swim). In the end, the three of us walked gingerly across to a raft floating against the side of the bridge, and Mr Zhu wanted to attempt to get on the raft, but he put one foot on it, wobbled frantically, and then thought better of it, and then he spent quite some time searching for a makeshift oar, before trying to get on it a second time and nearly falling into the river.

I had a lot of fun. Maybe this whole attachment has been quite a "coming-of-age" sort of experience, and it was nice to forget about being mature and capable and responsible and well-read, just for a few hours, and laugh and be silly again.

When we got back we went for hotpot with the foreign teachers. They were younger too, around our age, and studying in England plus being in a foreign land gave us a little in common. Fortunately, too, their food tastes were as conservative as ours, and we ended up having Szechuan hotpot with leeks and potatoes and beef and Chinese cabbage and tofu, a sort of western stew in Chinese soup with tofu (!) It was very nice though, a welcome relief from the rather raw food we'd been having over the past few days.

It's been good hanging out with both the Chinese and the westerners. As a Singaporean, in a sense you feel as though you don't fit into either category, and people are always surprised to find out you speak either language ("I didn't know English was your first language!" "I didn't know you speak Chinese!"). But as a Singaporean, in a sense you also fit into both categories, perhps not very comfortably, but enough to learn more about each other's cultures and pick out the good bits, and be able to appreciate the other person.

That night I had a good time talking to a friend of mine from the Leeds cell group, who was back in China for the summer. Being in China, I felt like I understood his country and himself alot more, and we had a good conversation again. Thankfully, I'm not really all alone. There are friends old and new, and of course, there is my oldest Friend of all.

Dancing in Haimen + Other Matters

2005-09-05T17:05:00.000+01:00

We had a talk with one of the teachers in the morning, who gave us a brief history of the school. This school was founded 18 years ago, and since then has become the "Model School of the Province" - an accolade conferred on the best school in the area. So how did it become such a good school in such a short time? We put this question to the teacher, and the answer she gave - It's all in the leadership.

The principal and founder of this school, from all I hear of him, truly is amazing. He leads by example; he's the earliest to arrive and the last to leave. He's always in the school and constantly reads up about how to improve the school, using his holidays and all his free time to do so. He chooses teachers based on their abilities rather than taking bribes. He's pioneered alot of stuff in this school, such as having counsellors conducting classes on how to improve mental wellbeing once a week.

He also finds ways for the school to hold exchanges with other schools in other countries, which would be a pretty innovative thing for a school in such a small town (when the school started, it was just a village school). He believes in learning and picking up the best from other places. Teachers are encouraged to develop their potential fully. Although the stress of teaching in this school is great, the rewards are great and good teachers are given the chance to go overseas and visit other schools.

I was thinking - what does this school have that makes it diferent from schools in Singapore? Because schools in Singapore have the structures and systems in place, even the rewards and facilities and opportunities and sometimes even more. But I realised that Singaporean schools follow a structure without really knowing the purpose behind the structure, or without the passion that drives the structure. The teachers in this school were very passionate and driven, and they all respected and followed the example of their leader. The teachers in Singapore sometimes seem to treat their jobs like a bitter, stressful pill, and amidst all the extra work they have to do, seem to have lost sight of why they were teaching in the first place, which was to enable students to be the best they could be. Instead, it became about getting rewards, or just trying to get through the job with a minimum of suffering.

So leadership is very important, and if only I could catch a little of the passion of such a great leader. We've not really talked to him properly yet, but he'll be bringing us to the village schools soon. I'm looking forward to it, and also slightly in awe that we are soon going to meet him and get to know him.

We also talked to the discipline department about how discipline was maintained in the school. It was amazing finding out that, in a way, Singapore is even more "Asian" than them with regards to discipline. They advocate counselling and are not allowed to cane or hit, whereas for serious offences in Singapore, the principal or discipline master has the right to cane the child. Children here cannot be expelled on the basis of giving them their right to attend school, whereas in Singapore expulsion is definitely a possibility for impossible cases.

After that we went to Nantong, and at night we were brought to a park near the school with people waltzing in the dim lamplight to Chinese music played over the loudspeakers. There was a circle in the middle of the park surrounded by lamps and water, and from there you could see the stars and the fireworks and the dozens of happily swirling couples. My attachment mate and I danced a little, but we giggled more than we danced and I ended up tripping over my slippers many times, reducing us to having to laugh and just stand to one sight watching the couples and breathing in the magic and conviviality of it all.

Long, early day tomorrow. Zzzzzz..

Back To My Roots (Part II)

2005-09-04T16:28:00.000+01:00

One of the teachers brought us around Haimen today. It was a mess of motorcycles, looking left and right and left before crossing the road and somehow managing not to get hit by the onslaught of slow-moving cars and bicycles and motorcycles. We wandered through shops in a daze but didn't get anything, although our eyes gleamed when we saw beautifully-packaged bottles of wine and boxes of mooncakes which we decided to get as presents for the teachers and principals who had been so kind to us (But not then, as the teacher was still with us).

We walked some way and then arrived at this bookstore, which aroused the buyer in me. I saw Charlotte's Web in Chinese and promptly bought that as I thought it would help me to regain my Chinese. Then I saw the translation in Chinese of "Toto-chan at the Window" or something like that, which I'd read in English before, too. Before long I was contemplating Les Miserables and Jane Eyre in Chinese but bought a selection of Zhu Zi Qin's essays instead. I was happy with my purchases, but slightly mollified by the fact that Charlotte's Web and Toto-chan were in the kids' section and Zhu Zi Qin was in "Required reading for students" which I assume means people much younger than me! Sigh!

After that we went for Xiao Long Bao. It was my first time trying these little dumpling-like paos with meat and warm soup inside that burst out and ran down your throat like delightful liquor. Of course, there was the usual fight to pay, and of course, we lost again. Never mind, we got our revenge that night, when we sneaked out to the supermarket and bought box after box of wine, mooncakes, ginseng, tea. We got many curious stares, but we were so happy.

Later on we decided to walk to the Xiao Long Bao place for dinner, but by the time we got there it was past 9 and they were shut, so we ended up having KFC. We sat there and chatted for ages. When we finally left, the half-hour walk back to the school seemed quite short because we were yakking away! On reaching the school gates, we found them locked shut so we hung aruond for a while wondering what to do until we bumped into the two Australian teachers in the school who'd also come back late and they told us to climb in! One of them showed us how and so all of us climbed into the school. I wondered what the principals and directors would have thought had they seen us. I guess it was better that they didn't know!

I wanted to go to church today. But didn't get the chance. I've not seen churches around here... I realise that it must be hard to be a Christian here. I've still not met anyone who's a Christian or even interested in talking about it. And the ironic thing is that I've been reading in the Purpose Driven Life these few days about the importance of fellowship and accountability. Well... I am definitely getting a phonecard and calling my brothers and sisters soon. Have called a few of them already, and it's such a relief, and such a note of familiarity, to be able to hear their voices.

The key wasn't found. And my attachment mate's diarrhoea isn't getting better. But continuing to pray, and combined with charcoal pills I believe things will get better soon.

Trip To YangZhou + Embarassing Mistake

2005-09-03T14:28:00.000+01:00

We went to Yangzhou today. One of the many principals of the Middle School we're attached to, who studied at Yangzhou, brought us there. It was a four hours' drive from Haimen to Yangzhou.

Yangzhou used to be one of the biggest and most prosperous cities in China due to the production of salt there. It used to be even more developed than Shangha. Many important people lived there and we visited a house down an old street where Jiang Zemin lived for some time. The door was kept shut, an old passer-by told us, because he might come back some day...

Yangzhou is like the "York" of China. Its streets are old and well maintained. We visited two olden buildings. One was the house of a salt merchant with antique desks and zithers and beds. The other was the house of a guan, a high-ranking official. It was huge and had quite a few gardens and many rooms. There were many signs detailing the family history of the He Family, who used to live there, and I spent ages looking at each sign and trying to decipher the Chinese and get the gist of what they were saying.

After that we went for lunch. The principal was too fast for us and he paid and ordered before we could protest. We had salty fried beancurdish thing, a Yangzhou specialty, salty fried Chinese cabbage with salty fried pork fat (very tasty but probably carcinogenic), soup, some kind of melon and other dishes. I don't know how it is with Chinese people, but they are so polite. They pay for everything before you can jump in with your wallet and your ren ming bi. And even if you do manage to get to the till before they do, by the time you find the words to say that you want to pay they're at your side protesting until they somehow manage to pay it all. So I'm quite puzzled how people here ever manage to win the fight to pay, especially if you're a polite, soft-spoken Singaporean!

We also went to a temple, a tall temple of four to five hundred years dedicated to Guan Yin. The principal prostated himself before the gods and asked us to do the same... we just smiled and declined...

Being a Christian of many years, I have alot of head knowledge but sometimes not enough of the experiencial knowledge and definitely need more of the heart knowledge. Many things I knew in theory, but only managed to put into practice in various situations that arose when I was overseas. Temptations and trials cropped up overseas in the UK that would probably not have arisen should I have stayed in Singapore. And before I came here I would not have thought that someone would have asked me to worship an idol. But he didn't seem to have taken offense, and we carried on happily as before, with mutual respect of each other. And I also prayed that one day we would all know a living God.

So there was something funny about the toilets there; the doors only come up to your waist and the toilets are connected by a drain running straight through them. In fact, the toilet consists of the drain. Me and my attachment mate had an interesting discussion about what would happen if you did something solid and it dammed up the flow of the liquid, and how it was cleaned up everyday as she didn't see any hoses around.

We drove back to Haimen (4 hours), and got stuck in a hour's jam because there was construction going on. The driver started watching "Air Force One" on his car's DVD player, and when the jam cleared and he was driving again he continued watching it and asking us questions about the plot and doing a million other things at once! I quite feared for the safety of our car as we narrowly missed quite a few vehicles! But I'm still very impressed by the car!

In the evening the principal brought us for dinner and among the dishes was a horseshoe-crab like fish with a sting (something like a cross between a stingray and a horseshoe-crab - very nice!), pig's trotters, and almost raw prawns in a kind of soya sauce. Actually, I'm quite surprised I've not had diarrhoea yet, but I continued eating happily, assuming that it's not a matter of if I get diarrhoea but of when, and as such I might as well continue to eat, as I'm bound to get diarrhoea sooner or later! Makes a weird sort of logic? :o) I'm just waiting for the floodgates to open. Anytime now...

When we got home I was very embarrassed and worried to have lost my keys, but with speedy efficiency everything was solved and I was given a new key. I'm so thankful and I pray that the keys are still in the car and not in Yangzhou. It's quite awful, when people are so nice to you, even putting up banners for your arrival, treating you so well, bringing you around, giving you such nice accomodation, and you lose their keys! Looks like I still have to work hard in the becoming alert, well-informed and capable department. It's a mistake anyone could make, but it's not going to happen in future!

We're going to go around Haimen in future, and then the proper learning will come on Monday.

Back To My Roots

2005-09-02T10:59:00.000+01:00

This is the second day of my attachment in China so far.

A couple of things that stood out on the first day were arriving bleary-eyed at Shanghai Pudong and then being driven across by the driver who was watching a DVD, off and on, in his car (!!) I've never seen such a futuristic car before, excepting maybe some cabs in Singapore. but this one had a small DVD screen in front of the windscreen. Very advanced but makes for very dangerous driving!

We attended the start of term assembly yesterday, and it was really interesting. We listened to the principals (all three of them) give speeches to the students, who were attentively listening. At points the speaker would say "Neng bu neng?" (Can you do this?) and the students would yell, "Neng!!!" and resume listening attentively, the like of which would be unseen in Singapore!

Although I understood only about half of what was said, some of the speeches were very poetic; you can do things in Chinese that you can't do in English - one of them was about turning the pressure (ya li) your parents gave you into motivation (dong li) for yourself to do well. In Chinese, the half-rhymes gave the speech rhythm and emphasis unachievable in English!

Today we were eased into our attachment with a talk given by one of the principals of the school, and one of the directors as well. They outlined how the school was run (the structure of the school) as well as the curriculum structure. It was very interesting, although I realise how much I don't know about our own education system and was inspired to find out more. I guess this is really practical learning; as a Singaporean kid, I'm so used to learning from the textbook, but the things we're learning here we're learning hands-on, and it's challenging as well as humbling because I'm finding out just how much I don't know. I am learning so much from the teachers here as well as my attachment partner. I just pray that what I know now and what I'm learning now can be put to good use in the future.

Looking at the timetable we've been given is rather overwhelming. Apart from having to teach a Maths class in Chinese next week, there are a number of talks with a number of key people I'm keen and yet apprehensive about. My main worry is my Chinese and the gaps in my knowledge, although I am looking forward very much to learning more. Perhaps challenges are good and getting out of your comfort zone is good. I'm sure that next week I will have many testimonies of how He gave me courage. Need to work very hard on my Chinese and start asking questions and clarifying things right now!

The bright spot in the day was a call from a Chinese friend who lives in Hubei. It was wonderful to chat with him, to hear a familiar voice while I was so disoriented. And to chat in English! Although I really wanted to try out my Chinese on him, having spoken Chinese for almost the whole day! I am going to practice my Maths lesson on him next week.

I am praying for my friend who's on attachment with me, who has diarrhoea right now... Let it get better soon.

If you're reading this and you have time, please pray for courage and humility for me. Thanks!! :o)

Epiphany

2005-08-18T15:47:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was lying on my bed trying to sleep and failing because images of terrorism kept flashing into my head and my imagination was running wild as usual. I repeated this verse to myself: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Although I’d taught it to the Sunday School kids twice and had made them memorise it, it hadn’t sunk into me yet.

Then suddenly I realised: God didn’t want me to be fearful. God wanted me to be courageous! God would not have shown me anything that would make me afraid, because He always gives courage. Many times when He appeared to people of old He told them not to be afraid. My wild imagination was not from the Lord because it was making me afraid!

It was then that I realised something about God’s heart. God always wants us to be courageous and He will not show us something on purpose to scare us for the fun of it. He does not play with us! So fear is not from Him at all!

When I realised that the fear in my heart was not from Him, I slept so soundly that night and woke up this morning to my dad holding my niece and my niece gurgling at the sight of my bleary eyed face.

Thank You for showing me such simple things. Cos these simple things are what I really need to know.

Fears

2005-08-16T15:19:00.000+01:00

Last night I tossed and turned on my bed and couldn’t sleep thinking about the recent terrorist attack on London and how terrorist attacks could happen anytime, anywhere, even in a supposedly safe country. I found myself imagining all sorts of things and wondering whether our country would be able to stand up in a similar situation, wondering what I would do, especially when many people now say that it’s not a matter of if but of when. Please pray for our country and pray for peace and unity.

I have to be honest, sometimes I am just so fearful even though I know that my life and times are in God’s hands and He has already planned out my life. I need to know Him more and really trust Him. Trust that He knows what’s best. Trust that He has me in His hands.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I carry His presence in my heart, and so there is no need to be afraid.

There is nothing to fear when the One who created the universe, the One who holds everything together, who invented the laws that keep everything running smoothly, the one who counts every hair on my head, is with me. In fact He’s in my heart; He’s not just beside me but also in me. When I asked Him into my life, I got more than forgiveness for my sins. I also got the privilege of knowing Him as my Father and the privilege of getting to know Him for the rest of my life. And I can also talk to Him any time I want knowing that He will listen and knowing that He loves me. This is a lot more than I bargained for.

These few days I’ve been thinking about what I want my life to count for. What do you want your life to count for? Most people want two things: legacy and love. You can leave a legacy by contributing significantly to the welfare of other people. Yet, in the end, there won’t be anyone left to appreciate you. No one now says, “I appreciate Alexander Fleming so much” every time he takes penicillin. But he just takes it as a matter of course and forgets about it. Even though occasionally he might remember Alexander Fleming or learn about him in school he has no way of knowing the many trials he may have gone through or appreciating fully the kind of perseverance and discipline which brought him through. In the end, our achievements become relegated to dusty memorials and saccharine textbooks, while the next generation picnic and play cards and grand battlefields that were fought over issues few deem important anymore. You can find love in your parents, your spouse, your kids, your friends. Yet no one understands you perfectly, no one knows you deeply, every single thought you think, every fibre of your being, and still loves you all the same.

So in the end, we need to find something that has an eternal significance. And I know that knowing God who is eternal is truly the purpose of our lives. With it, everything else has a purpose; without it, nothing seems to make sense.
Forgive me, because I have so little faith. You know me deeply. And yet you love me deeply too. Let me just find my joy in knowing You more every day. Nothing makes sense without You. Carry all that I find too heavy to carry. I know You will.

Differences

2005-08-15T14:35:00.000+01:00

Singapore, of course, is very different from the UK in many aspects. It is smaller, somewhat cleaner, hotter, and predominantly Asian. But I’ve noticed another difference. Singaporean stores sell many more motivational posters and inspirational cards.

Walk into any shopping complex (I really mean anywhere on the island) and you’ll see the stores competing with each other to see which one can sell its posters and postcards more cheaply ($2 for 4). The posters say things like, “Reach for the sky because, if you fall short, you’ll still be among the stars”, “It’s good to build castles in the air. But start working on the foundation now!”; and the cards say things like, “Don’t worry, I will pray for you”. The two main brands are Evercare, which is from Hong Kong, and Locust, which I think is a local brand.

I like them. I have two posters in my room. One says, “When the night seems to be the darkest, it means the sun will soon rise up. Press on… Don’t give up!” and the other says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud, it is not self-seeking. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.” The first one pulled me through my stressful days when I was relief teaching, marking endless loads of books, not eating properly and keeping odd hours of the night while dealing with unappreciative students. And the second one… well… reminds me of His perfect love. Because I know I’m incapable of loving like that unless He helps me to, I’d much rather appreciate how perfectly He loves me.

I think most British people would find all these posters and cards cheesy. But I love them and can spend ages looking through them.

I remember when I was doing my teaching attachment last year in a neighbourhood school. We had to do a project on what motivated students most and we came up with a survey. On it we asked them, “What motivates you most to do well?” and there were options such as competition, religion, parents, self, teachers, etc. They were asked to tick the three things that motivated them the most. Just for the fun of it, we added another option: motivational posters. They were all over the school and we just thought it would be funny to put it in as an option. We then collected our data and correlated it with the students’ results. The funny thing was that in the end we discovered that the students who performed the best found their primary motivation from posters. Of course, we just laughed about it, putting it down to probable mishandling of data. But it did make me wonder whether motivational posters are more effective than we give them credit for.

I can understand why motivational posters sell so quick. When you look at the truth all day long, you start to believe and understand it and as a result you’re able to live life according to the truth. It is helpful to continue to feed your mind with the truth. So that when circumstances are stormy, when you think you’re losing hope, you can always look up and think, “Wait a minute, that’s not the way it is. I’m not going to believe a lie!”

One of the ways in which we’re constantly being attacked is negativity. We think that everything is hopeless or that praying will not help, or we think that things are uncertain, or we have fear. But these things are lies because God says that He has a plan for us, a plan to give us hope and a future, and that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And we know that if He hears us, it will be done for us. It’s that simple! We need to get from knowing these truths to believing these truths. Please, move these simple truths from my head right into my heart.

So… pin it up and believe it. Because the truth sets you free. : )

Bigger than...

2005-08-14T15:37:00.000+01:00

I went to Arun's church today in Pasir Ris and it was nice seeing him again and catching up a little, finding that things hadn't really changed, even his sense of humour. Some people just be so funny so much of the time and I think it's really a talent. And it was good to worship together too, good to see that God is moving all over Singapore even through different churches, different ministers and different styles of worship.

It's good to be back, even though it's only going to be for a short month, but I feel a little purposeless. Most of my days are spent at home taking care of my niece, or meeting up with friends. I just miss the busy lifestyle of Leeds. I wish to be a blessing to my friends and family but it seems as though I can do so little or I am so unmotivated.

I pray that I can be a bigger blessing to my family. I don't really know what I can do for them. Besides washing the dishes, keeping my room tidy and things like that, I pray that He will use me above and beyond and including these things. Cos these things are so easy and yet so hard. I pray that His joy and fellowship will be in our family, that we will really encourage one another in our walks with Him the way He intended us to.

I think sometimes, the things that are dearest to us we find most difficult to talk about with the people dearest to us. At least this is true for me. But I believe He has a plan that is so much more abundant that what I am experiencing now...

Arun's pastor said today at the closing of his sermon: "It will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." It was funny when he said it, but very encouraging too. Cos you know everything is going to be perfect when Christ comes again. And we know then that we do not struggle in vain because we have a God who is on our side and who has made His resources available for us to win.

Let's just realise the truth in our hearts. That God is bigger than our past. That God is bigger than our failings. He knows that we are imperfect anyway and He still loves us. He even takes pleasure in us! That God is bigger than even life! Cos neither death nor life will be able to separate us from the love of God! That no matter how you feel about your life now, the truth is that the victory has been won! And I thank God cos He is going to make this one month here a meaningful and impactful one.

The Hidden Man

2005-07-30T21:13:00.000+01:00

I read this story of the hidden man a few minutes ago and it really amazed me. Surely each of us is so important to God.

I had a very good chat with a friend and my dad today. This friend invited us over to have a last dinner with him before I left. It was a wonderful time of sharing. Perhaps the friends I made in Leeds this year were very different from my usual friends. But in the end we learnt how to see each others' points of view, to understand each other.

In Leeds you always learn about "take-home points". What's the one thing you take away from this lesson? you're always asked.

My take-home point today was from my dad and it was given in response to this question: How do you know that something is bad as nothing is inherently bad? A gun in the hands of a criminal is bad, a gun in the hands of a policeman is good. Out of the many choices you have to make, how do you know what is right and what is wrong, what to avoid and what not to?

If it doesn't have control of you, but if you have control of it.

I learnt that alot of uncontrollable habits we have are in response to broken dreams. They're our way of fighting back at the hurt life has inflicted on us, offering us a little temporal comfort. If you want to get rid of them, you need to realise the broken dreams. And maybe admit that you were angry. And realise that God has a far bigger dream for you.

Wow... True Beauty

2005-07-30T16:42:00.000+01:00

I went down to London over the weekend to check out my new college. My dad and I took a megabus down to London which cost only 10 pounds (normally, a train down would cost 20 pounds). The downside of that was the journey took 4 hours and my dad had to look at my green car-sick face the whole time. Other than that, it was a nice journey and it was exciting to be back in London and to recognise streets such as Baker Street, with all the Sherlock Holmes memorabilia.

We stayed at the house of one of his friends, and once again I learnt more lessons about true beauty. This lady, a small, unimposing woman, took us in and cared for us as though we were her own family. She could not stop talking about the Lord. She had a lovely house with a lovely garden and a stream running through it, and it was evident that she had been given much because she had given so much to Him.

Proverbs 31 says:

"A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life...

She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy...

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

This woman was a Proverbs 31 woman. She was already busy with much to do in church and had people popping in and out of her house day and night. Yet she was up early making full English breakfasts for us every morning; making four or five course meals at night; she chattered away endlessly and happily, she made sure we knew train times and made sure we were well provided for - she was responsible, organised, sharp and efficient. In her I saw true beauty, the beauty of a woman who feared God and loved Him.

So I learnt one more thing about true beauty - a truly beautiful woman doesn't really have to be a streotypically sweet woman. A truly beautiful woman is a strong woman who isn't afraid to obey God.

All your talents, all your qualifications, and all that you have done, don't give you true beauty. The only true beauty is the beauty that comes from a pure heart, a heart that is fixed on Him : )

Events

2005-07-24T22:14:00.000+01:00

When I first heard the news I couldn't imagine what it would be like to see someone shot dead on the tube. I would probably have been sick all over the floor.

That night, I dreamt that I was in the tube and that there was an explosion in front of me. Something spattered on me and I saw that it was blood.

After that, I dreamt that the few of us were praying for protection over our houses.

Today when I checked the news I found out that the man the police had shot on suspicion of being a suicide bomber had been innocent. Couldn't keep the tears back anymore.

Graduation Day

2005-07-20T19:43:00.000+01:00

I wore my gown (with its bat-like wings) around the university with my mother's stockings and my sister-in-law's shoes while my dad took pictures of my hall, the library, Parkinsons' steps... and also my favourite path leading to the library amidst shady trees and daffodils in the springtime, but now just surrounded by heat-scorched grass. The path I used to write about here so many times.

My brother never went for his graduation, and I couldn't see the point of going for mine as I thought it was just a ceremony, thinking that my three years and what I'd learnt in them were far more important than a single day summing them up. I went for mine solely because my dad was coming to see it, but came to see the sense of it after he told me: "It's closure. It's knowing that this part of your life has come to a close and a new part of your life is beginning."

Indeed he's right. A new part of my life is beginning. And I know there is so much in store.

This year, I want to

think simply

love with actions and truth

live expecting miracles to happen

And I will.

Irrational, Undignified, a Gambler.

2005-07-12T11:38:00.000+01:00

I sinned yesterday. No more trying on human strength, trying to set some kind of superhuman record, but only on His strength now.

I have failed as a person. But for every failure, there will be success because Christ has won the victory. Not me, but Him.

I've learnt a few more things about Him this week, and it never ceases to amaze me and touch me to find out more about what He's like. He was always like this, it's just that I never realised it.

He can sometimes be irrational. In Joshua 10 I read about how Joshua spared Rahab the prostitute from being destroyed along with the rest when they conquered Jericho. Even though he spared her, he still called her "Rahab the prostitute". "The prostitute". She would always be a prostitute in his eyes, and her name - Rahab - would always be synonymous with prostitution to him.

Yet God saw Rahab differently. She went on to become one of Jesus' ancestors. God saw her not as Rahab, the prostitute, but as Rahab, from whose lineage kings would come, not only human kings but the King of Kings.

It would have made more sense to choose someone more talented. Someone without a past. Someone who wasn't impure and a woman of the world in the eyes of the world. Someone a little more, you know, dignified. But He can sometimes be irrational, and He saw in her more than a prostitute. He saw in her a woman who had faith.

He can sometimes be irrational in that He valued my life more than His. Why would He set the price of His own life on my life and make it worth so much more? Simply because He valued my life more that He was willing to discard His own and keep mine. Why does He ask us to deny ourselves? Because He already did.

There are some things I don't understand about Him. And another of these things is that He is undignified.

What kind of dignified person would admit to someone he loved that he thought about him all the time? Yet God tells me that His thoughts of me outnumber the grains of sand, He tells me that He keeps my tears in a bottle, and He gets jealous of other loves in my heart. What kind of dignified person would do that?

When I realised that I had sinned and came back to Him with a heavy heart, He ran towards me. When He saw me from a great distance, He came running... tripping over stones, hair flying, blistered feet, joy in His eyes. What kind of an undignified God do I have?

He was a gambler too. When He loved you, He took the risk that you might never love Him back. But He did so anyway.

This poem by G.A. Studdert-Kennedy always moved me as a teenager. I can still remember the day I read it and copied it into the front page of my diary. It's called "The Ununtterable Beauty".

The Ununtterable Beauty

And sitting down they watched Him there,

The solders did;

There, while they played with dice,

He made His sacrifice, And died upon the cross to rid

God’s world of sin.

He was a gambler, too, my Christ,

He took His life and threw

It for a world redeemed.

And ere His agony was done, Before the westering sun went down,

Crowning that day with crimson crown,

He knew that He had won.

Irrational, undignified, a gambler too, my Christ. Thank you for loving me with such an undignified love.

The Big Things and The Small Things

2005-07-07T18:07:00.000+01:00

The bomb blasts in London really reminded me that life is about big things and small things. The small things - your problems, what to eat, what to wear - fade away in the light of the big things, and the biggest thing is existence.

Whether we exist or not is the biggest thing ever. The chances of us coming into being are so small. Out of the millions of infinitesimal sperm, one of them met with an egg to become you, and out you came prolooop into the world, with everything intact and functioning properly. The chances of us dying at any one moment are small, but the chance is so real. A missed bus here, a train trip there could make the difference between life and death - a forgotten passport, a punctuality problem.

The small things can niggle at times. What people say about you, how you don't know whether to trust people or not, how giving can sometimes be tiring. But this is just the way life is - a problem free life wouldn't be a normal life at all.

I say we settle the big things first. Because life is so brief, because we know that the chances of anything happening at any one instant are never zero, we need to know what we're living for.

Most of us just want to be happy and have fun. But fun sometimes comes at the price of self-respect. You can have everything in the world and the smoothest life, but things are still empty. You still get disillusioned and you would rather go along with the system than influence the system at the loss of your own peace.

I think whatever it is we are searching for, most of us are searching for our purpose. And there is a God-shaped hole inside our hearts, no matter how we try to rationalize it away. Why not settle the big things first, because there is no time to waste. Someday, the big things might not wait for you any more.

Pray for London

2005-07-07T11:45:00.000+01:00

Please pray for London and the people there as bomb blasts have been reported.

Carpenter's Son

2005-07-05T12:39:00.000+01:00

Yesterday my new housemate accidently locked herself in the room and couldn't get out. We tried everything - pushing, pulling, throwing our weights against the door, and I knew we had to pray. So we prayed and continued pushing. The door didn't give and the lock was stuck.

After that I got a screwdriver and unscrewed the lock and the middle bit was still stuck. It wouldn't have come out without a strong guy and pliers. Or we might have had to break down the door. But she was peering at me through the keyhole, fiddled a little bit with bits of metal and the door just opened miraculously.

We saw each other through the open door and screamed loudly, hugging each other!

The amazing thing is that when we tried the door again, we couldn't figure out how the door had given because the lock remained stuck out and refused to be pushed in again. I saw how God answered our prayers even in little things, to give us help even in practical things like these. Nothing is too small or difficult for Him...especially not doors... because, after all, He's a carpenter's son.

To me, that was something so amazing.

Resolution

2005-07-04T13:49:00.000+01:00

Tired and drained, but this should not be the case. Was very encouraged yesterday knowing that He had won the victory for me. But it seems as though I have little time for myself and for Him.

Success is not doing well, success is not earning loads, but success is knowing your needs and meeting them. I know that I need Him. How desperate am I to meet that need? Am I desperate enough to get up early knowing that that is the only time I'm going to get alone with Him? Yes, I am, and yes, I will, because I can't survive without Him.

Something Missing?

2005-07-02T05:19:00.000+01:00

One of our deepest desires is to be complete, and many of us are seeking for this completeness. We feel discontent and we feel as though we need something more.

But I realised something today. God promises us not just completeness but something additional. He promises us fullness. And fullness means a filling to overflowing. I realised that God promises us something even more than completeness.

I really wanted completeness. I kept on wanting to be complete in Him, to have Him as my source of spiritual nourishment. I kept on feeling so empty because I had so many needs. And I wanted Him to complete me despite my needs. But I didn't realise that He wanted to give me something more. And I didn't realise that He told me how to be full.

The answer is in Ephesians 3:

"I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

The price was paid for me because of His love. No, I was not worthy of His life, but He thought me worthy. How could He have been broken on that cross for me, how could He have gone ahead with it when He knew how much it would cost Him? Only because He valued my life more than His. That was the breadth and length and height and depth of His love.

I pray that even as you read this, that He will also let you understand His love. Then He will not only make you complete, but make you full.

Freedom

2005-07-01T03:46:00.000+01:00

Just watched "Legally Blonde" with Alex and I'm really impressed by how Elle grew so much over the past three years in law school and managed to get past problems and obstacles, getting past trying to be someone she was not, and living up to her full potential, being able to be the best she could be without compromising her identity.

In many ways this year, too, He has set me free to be the person that He wants me to be. I'm thankful, thankful for this freedom I have in Him : )

It's ok to be funny, Ruth and it's ok to be vulnerable with people and it's ok to be real. Because it's fine to be yourself and each of us has a unique role in His kingdom. Help me to appreciate other people and learn from them, and also, thank You for making me me.

Deuteronomy

2005-06-30T02:30:00.000+01:00

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul and all your strength.

To love Him with all my heart means that there is no room for anything else in my heart. This is the season for clinging onto Him so tightly and never letting Him go, even though other things are demanding my heart sometimes.

To love Him with all my mind means not just to philosophize about Him and theology, but to love Him with all my mind means that my thinking needs to be aligned with His thinking. Never to think that He is far away and that He will not speak, but to believe that He is near me, His words are in my mouth and in my heart, and He will guide me.

To love Him with all my soul means that my only source of spiritual nourishment is my Lord. If my soul draws satisfaction from other things, from relationships or anything else, I am not loving Him with all my soul.

To love Him with all my strength means to seek Him and be hungry for Him even when I feel that I am tired and have no strength left, even when I feel incapable of carrying on, because I know that He will give me His strength when I have none. And running on His strength is far more exciting...

I don't want to be satisfied with knowing the Bible. I don't want to be satisfied with Your blessings, even spiritual blessings. I don't want to be satisfied with doing things for You. I only want to be satisfied with You. I want to love You above all things... let my heart be near You.

"Funny" Questions

2005-06-28T22:38:00.000+01:00

Some questions have been running through my head lately.

One of them is about the belly button. When we were born, our umbilical cords were cut. Our business used to be excreted via the umbilical cord, so why did it stop coming out of our belly buttons after some time? And if it stopped coming out of our belly buttons because it was coming out of our butts, why did it not come out of our butts when we were in the womb? Was it because of the water pressure in the womb holding it in?

It's funny to think about such questions because you realise how much you don't know even though you're a university graduate and a science student. Or perhaps you just realise how amazing God is, how everything is engineered to His design, even the funniest of things.

I remember the first time I realised He has a sense of humour. It was when I was reading
this about Him talking about an almond tree and punning on the word "almond", which sounds like "watch", to tell Jeremiah that He was watching to see that His word was fulfilled. And can you imagine Him rejoicing over you with singing? Not some quiet lullabye song, mind you, but the rejoicing of the laughing, dancing kind.

Thank You that You laugh over me. Thank You for your sense of humour and for all the answers to my questions, even the unanswered questions. With You by my side, I can never be lonely.

Amazing Grace

2005-06-24T11:39:00.000+01:00

God's grace once again overwhelms me in terms of my results.

If He is able to do this, how much more is He able to do anything else we ask for, especially if these things are on His heart. I will continue to pray, until I see miracles, miracles in my own life and in the lives of others.

Journey

2005-06-23T14:26:00.000+01:00

"Journey" by Corinne May
It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe

When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you

Trap

2005-06-23T00:11:00.000+01:00

The greatest trap is to fall into looking for man's approval and men's recognition rather than seeking to please the heart of God.

Forgive me for doing these things, because that is why I'm discontent. Let me cling on to You and find in You all the love I need.

Sorry

2005-06-22T02:55:00.000+01:00

I'm very sorry that I shot my friend with a water gun.

Jealous

2005-06-05T23:06:00.000+01:00

This weekend was a "weekend of freedom" because I had some time to myself to think about things and most of all soak in the love of God.

God is a jealous God. I always knew that but I never realised why God was a jealous God.

When do you get jealous of someone? When you love them so much that you want them to belong to you exclusively. I realised that He was jealous for me because He loved me so much, and that He wanted me to have no other lovers not because He wanted to punish or deprive me, but because He loved me so much that He wanted me exclusively.

I don't know when the last time was that I thought about the fact that God loved me. Maybe that was why I lost my direction and I lost my hope for the cell group and for myself. Maybe that was why I ended up praying everyday, asking Him for things for other people and resources and power and strength and never just spent time to soak in His love and to know that my God loved me so, so, much. Maybe that was why I ended up doing, doing, doing, and everything just went wrong, even my personal life went wrong, because I lost my delight in the One that I should have loved the most.

So yesterday I spent the day with Him, just thinking about the fact that He loved me. Just delighting in His love and knowing that He was jealous for me because He wanted me. Praying for other people knowing that His heart ached for them.

And today I was set free to be myself; to pray without caring what people would think, to gather the cell group for prayer without caring what people would say, to love the people around me and to speak to people without fear of comparison or anything else. To be free to dance again in Him...

I will still have problems but I know that even as I struggle I can plead for His grace. And most of all knowing that He loves me and He will never give up on me will keep me going and will allow me strength to carry on.

Weakness

2005-05-24T14:57:00.000+01:00

Yesterday's paper was very, very bad and I walked out of the hall with tears in my eyes feeling as though I'd thrown away my future. Now the future lies uncertain ahead but all I can do is to do my best for the next paper and learn any lessons that may come my way. If I'm given the chance to do my Masters', I'll try to be more consistent in my work, and if I'm not given the chance to do my Masters', I'll have to accept this too, and trust that He will work for good in all things.

So many friends showed love and concern for me and I can't help but thank God for them. And as I study for this last paper on Friday I'm just going to do my best and sprint towards the goal with endurance. I can't regret past mistakes and I can't change things now. But I can still do my best in all things starting from today onwards.

I've learnt that I'm not perfect. Being a perfectionist at heart, it is difficult to accept myself messing up in any area of my life, but all the more then learning that I'm not perfect, I can experience His grace. I really don't know what is going to lie in the future now, but I know that He is still so real and I know that He is my God through good times and bad. Although I can't feel anything right now, I know that He is real and that He is with me. And He will never leave me nor forsake me and I am just going to believe it with all my mind and heart.

Studying

2005-05-21T13:05:00.000+01:00

I hardly did any studying yesterday, even though I woke up very early and was in the library by 9:30. By lunchtime, I was tired out and spent most of my time staring at the grass fields outside the library, so decided to go home and sleep. Slept until about 5 when I woke up with a sense of hopelessness and cried!

But cell group was about the grace of God and even though I do feel as though there's an insurmountable obstacle in front of me (Monday, where I have 6 hours almost in a row), I know that by His grace He will help me to overcome. Whatever the outcome, I just have to do my best for Him given the remaining amount of time.

Am in the library now but still can't do any studying because I'm sat facing Sum, who is a law student from Malaysia living in Charles Morris Hall. He has a very humourous look and a twinkle in his eye that just cracks me up. Everytime I do an example I look up and catch his eye and I can't help giggling uncontrollably, and then I have to go out of the library to recover myself, and when I go back in there he is again and I just can't stop laughing because he's got this puzzled "you are mad" quizzical smile on his face. So I came down to blog it off.

Am going up to try to resume studying again. This is serious business Ruthie!

Of Caving and Other Things

2005-05-18T15:44:00.000+01:00

Am on the eighth floor of the Edward Boyle Library, which is the floor under the one with the main entrance (if you know what I mean); i.e. it's the sort of underground floor - at least I always see it as such. On my way to the toilets I passed a sign designating the various places where books were kept, and I saw a sign saying "Caving". I thought how appropriate it was that "Caving" was on the underground floor.

A jumble of biology facts in my brain now sitting in murkiness; now all I need to do is to organise them clearly and pray that they may be indeliably lodged in my brain forever - well, at least until next Monday.

Teach me in this dark period the secret of not being tired, the secret of waiting on You for my strength.

"Bugis"... and thankful.

2005-05-17T20:26:00.000+01:00

Today I went for prayer meeting at Parkinson's steps for the first time and although it was short, I really felt then that we were living in what God really wanted for our lives - to meet up every day and pray, to live in community. Hopefully, we'll be able to pray for each other and to share more with each other too. The sense of being in a place where you know you should be at a particular time was very real. I remember once, for want of a word to describe this sense, I called it "Bugis". So I felt "bugised" today.

After that I discovered that I'd missed dinner, but Sunny called me and she'd taken some dinner for me. I am so blessed. Sure, I get stressed out at times and I do get sad about some things that I cry to Him about at night amidst reading Isaiah 53 (melodramatic!). But I can't help feeling that I've always been so blessed by Him, blessed with people who always bless me at the same time. Sometimes, you do feel slightly drained, but always always He is the one who restores your soul and sends people to comfort you and to encourage you. And even though some things in life can be so, so painful you know that you can always run to Him and cling on to the fact that He knows the plans He has for your life, plans to give you hope and a future. He will never give you second best!

Kenny Gan said, "When God doesn't give you something it's not because He doesn't love you. It's because He loves you so much that He knows that if He gives it to you, it will ruin you." That cut like a knife through my heart when I heard it. And since then I've learnt just to be happy with Him, and I'm still learning afresh every day (when things happen and I have to run to Him again and again). I look forward to the end of each day where I can just be myself with Him. Like a little girl.

Thank you, my lovely friends and cell group members... thank you for being there for me, for encouraging me, for loving me. Thank you for the cards and the warmth and the noodles and the listening ears and the phone calls and the century egg porridge and the texts and everything. Through you, I can really feel how much God loves me.

Worms and Daisies and Studying

2005-05-17T16:50:00.000+01:00

It's a sunny day and I'm here on the 8th floor of the library looking out at the fields and the daisies and people playing frisbee on the grass in a circle.

On walking to the library yesterday I passed a crow with something dangling in its beak. I looked at it closely and, yes, it was a worm! That was the first time I saw a crow with a worm in its beak in real life! I just stood there and gawped.

Throughout all this hectic studying it's the little things you notice most, like the crows and the daisies and the fading daffodils and the scary people with mind-maps and millions of scrawly notes on the eighth floor of the library.

Better get back to studying.

Little Thought

2005-05-16T16:40:00.000+01:00

Again in the library, now using my trusty laptop with its airport card (I bought the airport card because I thought it would enable me to use my laptop in airports) to take advantage of the library's wireless connection.

Went into the library today at 2 because I couldn't wake up in the morning although my alarm was set for 6:30 as usual :oS. Woke up at 9, did my quiet time, and promptly fell back asleep and couldn't drag myself out of bed until 12:30. Think I'm wearing out easily, but it's ok. Good training for time management skills.

Anyway, I went to the library and put my books down on the table and who should I see opposite me but someone with the unmistakable bald-chick look. It was Andy. After that, I had to email Katie and then I went to buy past-year papers and only now am settling down to study.

The past-year papers scare me. Questions aren't repeated and I don't have a clue how to answer them, and the exams are next Monday!

Just clinging on to this verse: "He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." Proverbs 11:25 : )

Friendships

2005-05-10T20:19:00.000+01:00

I asked a close friend of mine recently a question that had been asked to me before, "Do you feel that I'm transparent enough?" And he said, "I think you've become less transparent recently..." And I asked him whether it was since I'd become a cell leader, and he said, "Yes, after you became a cell group leader you've become less transparent..."

It's true. There are some things I don't tell people now because I just tell them to God, or there are some things that I don't even think about anymore. Funny things happen in my life and I don't share them with anyone anymore because I want people to respect me, I don't want people to think I'm funny.

We talked about losing the joy of friendship. Perhaps it's been a long time since I've been "in the world", lived with people 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, depending on each other, being real with each other. Maybe it's been some time since I really laughed with someone over something silly, or just enjoyed being friends together, doing normal things together, not pressuring them to accept Christ, not hitting them over the head with the Bible, being concerned about them, just being friends, sharing our lives, talking about deep things for hours on the phone, or just about silly things that wouldn't matter at all.

We used to be good friends and we used to laugh so much over the silliest things, tell each other our secrets, go swimming every week and then hang out and chat and laugh. We would write each other encouraging notes and I would pray for him with tears in the secret of my own room. Now, we're good brothers and sisters, but something has happened to our friendship. We get together and talk about deep spiritual things, but I miss laughing about the silly things. And I miss the sharing times, the reason that I don't share as much with him is because I don't want to complain about my situation. I only want to tell God what's in my heart.

I sometimes feel a little bit confused about friendships now. Whenever I meet up with someone from my cell group, I think that the meeting is going to move something like this - we will make small talk, then they are going to share with me some problem or obstacle, then I will share with them some Bible verses, and then we'll end by praying together. But that's sometimes abit too intentional. Where has the friendship gone, the sharing of little things that make you tick, the finding out about each other, the giving and taking?

My friend said, "I don't know if being intentional is the right 'Christian' thing to do.." And I think now, that it's less of being intentional, than of really sharing your lives with each other... then you don't even have to be intentional, because you know each other so well. And I miss this sharing, I miss this constant fellowship, I miss calling my friends up for nothing at all, just to chat; I miss people calling just to talk... I just miss friendship, the feeling of someone constantly being there for you no matter what, and accepting you no matter what you're like.

We wondered together whether Jesus was friends with his disciples, whether he laughed and did silly things with them. He said they weren't his slaves, but that they were his friends. We wondered whether they were friends with him, whether they teased him.

And I think they probably did. The reason why their lives were changed so much wasn't because he hit the Bible at them 24 hours a day. It was because he shared his life with them and they saw what made him tick, they saw him live his life in front of them, they ate together and shared everything together.

Deep within me, I miss that kind of friendship. I miss knowing a person that well... O... give me back the friendships I have lost...

Change my Heart...

2005-05-10T19:47:00.000+01:00

Today I woke up at about 10 feeling very guilty because I'd set my alarm for 6:30 and had actually woken up at 5:30, opened my eyes, and promptly gone back to sleep. I have been trying to wake up earlier because there are so many things I want to talk to Him about. I want to talk to Him, every minute, every hour... during this period of time, there are so many things to do and so many burdens and confusion in my heart. I need to talk to Him so much more then.

My greatest real need is to have Him in my life. Without Him in my life, I don't know what to do. Without Him, I feel completely lost and empty. Even when I wake up at 10, I can't miss spending time with Him. I need to be with Him, because without Him I'm not complete.

A "little miracle" happened in my friend's life recently. Last night we were studying together in the library, and she showed me a little piece of paper clipped in between her foolscap. On the front it said, "Worried?" and on the back it said, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil 4:6".

She asked me whether I'd written it and stuck it into her foolscap, and I said no. It didn't look like the handwriting of anyone else in our cell group either. So we said it must be a miracle. A little slip of a comforting verse fallen from somewhere unbeknownst to us, at a time when it was most needed.

I pray that she will accept Christ soon.

I have been cold recently. Cold of heart. When people share things with me, when I see people I love and have been praying for, I don't feel anything at all. When people tell me their deepest hurts, their struggles, when I see my friends around me struggling for their exams, it doesn't move me to pray desperately with tears for them.

I need more and more of His heart and less and less of myself. Don't let there be any more of myself in this life. Just let there be You...

Of Digestion and Chinese!

2005-05-07T19:34:00.000+01:00

Bananas and milk are good for your digestion. Ever since I met Sunny, I've been eating two bananas a day and have been drinking a cup of milk every day, with the result that Cordelia, my toilet-mate (she shares a toilet with me in halls) is assaulted by a strange smell at least daily.

I've made an even more exciting discovery though. The greatest thing for your digestion is expired ice-cream. We gave out ice-cream to the Charles Morris people last Monday (Morrisons' soft scoop), and ate the leftover ice-cream after cell group yesterday. The ice cream had dissolved into a kind of foam which everybody hated, but I had quite a lot of it with the result that the toilet was very much used today.

I was talking to Alvin online and telling him about my plans to go to China to teach for a month in August (should I manage to get a place to do my Masters).

Bombom Chan says:
i haven't got a place for the china thing yet
Bombom Chan says:
waiting until everything confirmed
Alf says:
u applied for placement?
Bombom Chan says:
yeah....
Bombom Chan says:
teaching attachment in china
Alf says:
wow! teaching english?
Bombom Chan says:
i dont know...
Alf says:
that sould be very exciting! maybe by the time you come back, your chinese can trash all of us!Bombom Chan says:
whatever MOE makes me teach...
Bombom Chan says:
AHAHHAA...
Bombom Chan says:
are you making fun of me?? hahhahahhah
Alf says:
oh......
Bombom Chan says:
i dont think sooo la...
Bombom Chan says:
hehehhehee
Alf says:
i guess in a way, your chinese is quite fun to listen to..
Alf says:
i enjoy listening to it actually!
Bombom Chan says:
aiyah!!!!!
Bombom Chan says:
why leh?????????
Alf says:
nice accent...interesting to listen to.

These few days have been tiring, but I think the feeling of being busy still takes getting some used to. Today Daniel said that a preacher had said that "a person who is not busy is lazy" and I also heard Leonard Ravenhill say lately in "A Burning Heart" (it's linked beside) that anyone who is under 20 has no business being in bed after 4 o clock in the morning. Arghhhhhhh... When I do manage to get up at that time, I'll let all of you know!

These few days have also been thinking through alot of things, with the result that have decided that it's no use thinking so much, it's time to start DOING something!

Precious People

2005-05-04T22:37:00.000+01:00

Am trying to fill in my Masters' approval forms for MOE now (very overdue) and in the midst of it decided to upload some pictures of the year for your viewing pleasure.

This first was taken at Charles Morris after we sang our songs for formal dinner near Christmas time. These are the people most precious to me, who have been such a HUGE source of encouragement and blessing.

This was taken at the encounter weekend where God turned my life around, the one which I wrote about a few months ago where I went with such expectation in my heart and He really did take all my burdens away. My life took a complete turn after that! Very precious precious people in this picture too. People who mean alot to me!

And lastly Katie and I at Christmas time. I miss you Katie! Whenever I listen to Somewhere over the Rainbow, I think of you. Satie makes me think of you too! Miss all the times in the library looking at... studying I mean.

Precious people God has put in my life. I'm so thankful for them!

Better go back to completing all the Masters' forms!

Thoughts

2005-05-04T12:58:00.000+01:00

I always welcome criticism. I am always glad when people tell me how things can be improved, steps I can think about, suggestions. That's a kind of hurt that I can take and a kind of hurt that I welcome, because after that things can become better.

But there are kinds of hurts and doubts that are more difficult to take and more difficult to remove. I thought I had surrendered something to the Lord last week, but in reality I hadn't, because today it came back afresh with all the fresh hurt. This week I was telling Him that I only wanted Him, and thanking Him that amidst what He had taken away, He'd given me something better. But today I realised that I was still discontent, that I still had the longing within me for something else besides Him.

My friend's MSN nickname touched me last week It said, "I have so many felt needs, but I am going to meet my real need." Oh, although my heart is divided and discontent at times, I know that He is all I ever need.

Help me not to be so restless, poking around outside of your will.... Let me be so content with what you have given me, and only be dissatisfied with how little I know you.

Blessed beyond the curse!

2005-05-04T12:43:00.000+01:00

Yesterday when I was working on the powerpoint slides for my dissertation Sunny called and we chatted for a while, and then she said, "Actually, I want to pass you something... I just called to make sure you were in. Can I come over?" So I said of course and in a few minutes she was there on my floor with a huge bunch of flowers - pink roses, purple carnations and violet baby's breaths and ferns. She stayed in my room and we chatted for a while and listened to music and played the keyboard with Cordelia.

How could I have complained earlier that I felt drained and tired? Because I am so blessed... so very very very blessed. Blessed... with hallmates I can get along with, blessed with Cordelia who furtively comes into my room through the toilet to wake me up o'mornings, blessed with Mewlin and our crazy schemes for movies and studying and cooking and spying...blessed with daisies white and small blooming along the path to the library, blessed with sunshine and love and warmth and friendship. Everytime I'm sad or tired, He brings some small thing into my life to cheer me up and I learn that I can lean on Him... confide in Him...

My kind of suffering can't be compared with Paul's. My kind of suffering would be like mosquito bites - no, ant bites - no... make that ameoba bites in comparison with his. But I can say with him now, "I'm pressed but not crushed... blessed beyond the curse, for His promise will endure, and His joy comes in the morning!"

Beauty

2005-04-28T11:41:00.000+01:00

The world is so beautiful today. The trees are all dressed in pink blossoms and everytime I walk to the library, petals fall all around me and I just want to sit on the grass and take in all the beauty around.

God is so beautiful. It is us who create the ugly things. Most of all these few days I have realised that man is so imperfect. Man-made groups are imperfect. The most we can do is seek after His beauty. But even then so often we fall short.

It is us who have the ugly things inside us. Lust, envy, pride, hatred, dissension, wanting others to see us, wanting to be exalted above everyone else. Not having enough of his heart. Each one of us is guilty of that, not knowing His heart. Knowing about Him, but not knowing Him, proclaiming Him in public and not running after Him in secret, making ourselves out to be good people and hiding our weaknesses which should magnify His strength.

I see beauty around me. But I also see so much ugliness around me. Help me to run, run, run, after you, and let your beauty shine so bright in my life. And let me not lose sight of the beauty in others too.

Heart Matters

2005-04-26T23:18:00.000+01:00

Someone told me something lately that made me very angry, and I had to rebuke for the first time in a long while. It was the worst rebuke I had ever given to a person in quite a long time.

I also shared the gospel with him. But I know I did it more out of anger than of love. And perhaps I did it because I didn't know what else to do or say. I just pray that He will override all my wrong motives, and use my words anyway.

I sometimes find it so difficult to have the heart of love for other people, to see them through His eyes. And when He asks me to spend time with people and to seek them out and care for them, I sometimes feel so tired. Sometimes I feel as though it is easier to pray for them and not move out of my room and neglect my work. But love has also to be active as well.

To love those who wrong you isn't easy. Nor is it natural. Sometimes it is not even easy to love those who are your brothers and sisters in Christ. But love isn't a feeling; it is patience, it is kindness, it is humility. It's a sacrifice of yourself for others. It's wanting to make sure they are fed, wanting to make sure they grow, above yourself.

Because in the end, the only thing you have to make sure for yourself is that you delight yourself in Him. That is the only thing we need.

Desperation

2005-04-26T21:39:00.000+01:00

I realised how much I do stems from impure motives. To be seen by man, to be flattered by man, to receive praise from man, to be liked by man. It's not a new discovery and it's not a nice discovery. When I think I am living for Him, very often I am just living for myself.

A few weeks ago I read this story about a guy who felt led to share Christ with someone in the hospital who was slightly deaf. He had no alternative but to shout the message of the gospel to the patient and to let go his fear of feeling foolish. And he wrote that as he stood there at the foot of the bed shouting something in him broke and he moved from the fear of man to the love of man.

I know I need that kind of love and that kind of desperation.

Help me, to move from the fear of man to the love of man, not to care what man may say about me anymore, but to move from flattery to encouragement, to move from discouragement to rebuke, and always to speak the truth in love.

Force / Surface Area

2005-04-20T14:16:00.000+01:00

An essay due this Friday and a dissertation due this week, and many worries and problems weighing down the mind of the author; but never fear - after these two weeks I'll have a short hiatus and then it'll be down to studying for the exams.

How much pressure can a human being take? I seriously believe that time stretches to accomodate everything you want to do, as long as you focus fully on the task at hand. So when you're studying, concentrate and then you won't have to spend so many hours on it. And when you're playing, play hard! When you talk to people, focus on them because they are important! And somehow you will manage to accomplish much in very little time.

So by writing all this down I'm giving myself a pep talk as well, and am going to take a break from blogging until these two weeks are over.

Mommyy

2005-04-19T00:15:00.000+01:00

I was talking to my mother recently, and she was telling me about the relief teachers under her and how they were so glad to be under her because she had given them such good guidance. At this I said, "Yes, mom, you are a good leader. You have good leadership skills." Which is true. My mom is very strong and sticks to what she believes in, she never wavers to the right or to the left, and she's not at all bothered by what people think of her or say about her.

And she paused and said, "So are you, you know. You have this leadership ability too."

And I was a little shocked, because I seldom receive praise from her, so when I do I know it's sincere. I knew that she really meant it, because she's very frank and makes no bones about anything. I knew she didn't say it just to encourage me, but I knew she really meant it!

And when I feel inadequate, I often think about what my mom said now. Things are starting to pile up, and work is coming in so fast that I feel overwhelmed. To be put in a position of leadership makes me feel all the more vulnerable. And sometimes it's difficult to be honest with other people about how inadequate I feel because I want them to have confidence in me.

And yet in some ways I feel that God has given me gifts that I should use. That He has given me alot, and so He requires alot of me. I have a debt to repay - a debt of stewardship. I don't want to have false humility and think that I shouldn't use what He has given me, that I should hide it, because I should use His gifts for His glory.

If I were the Mona Lisa, I might have said to Leonardo da Vinci, "Why did you give me such a beautiful smile? Make my smile less brilliant so that people won't look at me!" But that's false humility. I forget that my smile doesn't glorify myself, it glorifies Leonardo da Vinci. So I'm being proud by thinking that my smile would make people look at me! Because it wouldn't make them think of me at all! They'd be thinking of Leonardo da Vinci and what inspired him... ahahahhah.

So I'm glad that my mom said what she said, and that she sees this in me. It gives me all the more courage to be myself and to be used by Him!

Although the road ahead doesn't look smooth or easy, and in fact looks rather impossible, I am glad that it looks impossible, because only when there is a huge chasm between two cliffs can I take a leap of faith! If not, it would just be a step of self-reliance.

Thanks, mom.

Utmost

2005-04-15T17:21:00.000+01:00

I'm glad to be alive. My eyes are blinking now and my brain is fully functional allowing me to tap each key on the keyboard to produce a coherent mass of words that come together in your brain and mine to become new thoughts, new ideas: daughters of invention, not mine but compiled from what I see around me and the thoughts of people of old. My heart is beating fast (as is yours), driving the blood around my body and making everything work together in perfect synchronisation.

Your eyes are moving across this sentence, scanning; and as they move you suddenly become aware of yourself and aware of the fact that you are you; aware of your thoughts, aware that each blink of your eyelids, though involuntary, though taken for granted, when taken away becomes an essential factor for survival. People with leprosy used to go blind because they weren't able to feel when they needed to blink, and so their eyes became drier and drier until the sight was gone.

You are alive because you can blink, and because you can do so many other things you never think about everyday.

And now, me and you, we become conscious of the little clock below the computer screen, the blink of the colon showing the passing of each minute, irretrievable, gone forever.

And we think, time is so precious. Each group of fifteen minutes can accomplish much. And it is inexpressibly good to be alive right this moment. Shouldn't we give our full attention to whatever it is we're doing at the moment, pay full attention to whoever we're talking to at the moment, do our utmost for His highest?

Prayer

2005-04-14T18:05:00.000+01:00

Touch me deep inside, I need you to reach down and touch me.
I don't want to be empty and dry.
I want to cry when I see a sunrise
I want to laugh when I see a squirrel scamper
Touch me deep inside, and make me human once again.

Touch me deep inside, and let me realise how you love me.
I don't want to be hard and cold.
I want to see you in the words that I read
I want to hear you in the silence of listening
Touch me deep inside, and help me know you once again.

Touch me deep inside, I need you to reach down and heal me.
I don't want to live with hurts and bruises.
I don't want to resent and not forgive.
I want to see your beauty in people,
I want to see with the eyes of the Lord.
Touch me deep inside, and let me feel your heart again.

Questions... and answers

2005-04-13T15:38:00.000+01:00

Came back late in the night with many things to think about and, after vacuuming my room, sat on my mattress (my bed had been taken away the day before to swap for a new one) with the fairy lights on, my Bible and notebook and had a good think. Maybe it's a psychological need of women that they need to have a good cry once in a while, and certainly I've been doing that almost consistently the whole of this week as I think about my life and my priorities and what really matters most to me. And things that I still struggle with, being so caught up in the doing and the talking sometimes that I forget about the being.

Let me talk less and do more. Let me do less and be more.

This morning I was woken up by a loud banging on my door and I knew the Mattress People had come to give me a new bed. So I climbed off my mattress and pulled on a jumper and opened the door expecting to see Ricky Martin, our cleaner, who's called Ricky and whom we call Ricky Martin and who is balding and thin and whose trousers are always falling halfway off his bum.

Instead of Ricky Martin I was surprised to see a tall young handsome bloke and he came in and took my mattress away and brought in a new bed and everyone was coming out of their rooms because of the noise and commotion. I did ask him, while I was still half-asleep, whether I could just do without a new bed and sleep on my mattress for the rest of the term, because I quite like being so close to the floor and having everything so simple. But he didn't have the authority to grant me a bed-less room, so I had to accept it.

After that I vacuumed again and sat down for a think again.

I'm glad that it's so much quieter in halls and I'm glad I'm living in halls. There's so much time now to just be yourself and to write and to be quiet and to be comfortable with who you are. There's time to sing in the showers and to come back late at night without facing uncomfortable questions from your housemates and to eat all the unhealthy food you want without being teased, and there's time to listen to music and to sit in my room with my own thoughts and with the twinkling lights in the windows of the halls opposite like will o' the wisps guiding the way to the promised land of dreams.

These few days little nagging doubts have been creeping into my head one by one. The first one came when I read yesterday in Judges the horrible story of a man cutting up his concubine (whom he had sent out to be abused by wicked men) into 12 pieces and sending out each piece to the 12 tribes of Israel to ask for justice. Then going online to try to unearth the mystery or the significance of it I found another story of this guy Jephthah who'd made a foolish promise to God and had sacrificed his daughter to God.

Reading up for my dissertation also caused some questions to plant themselves in my head. I read about people who felt that they'd experienced the presence of God. Scientists found that by stimulating the temporal lobe, they could cause some of their patients to have "epiphanic experience" - seeing great lights, hearing sounds, and experiencing overwhelming feelings; in other words, experiencing the presence of God. Hence Patricia Smith Churchland, the author of the book "Brain-Wise", concluded that the evidence supported the case that a Supernatural Being did not exist, since by using manual stimuli we could conjure the feeling of the presence of God.

I felt really sad when I read that. I think the first two stories were included in the Bible because we have to know how mixed-up man is. How sometimes we think we have the right motives and thoughts but we make rash promises to God. How sometimes we think we're in the right but in reality we can be wrong and yet He can be so tolerant of us. How imperfect we are and how we tend to fail when we try to take matters into our own hands. I think the first two stories weren't about the injustice of God, but about the inadequecy of man. And how the Bible is so relevant today, because it doesn't gloss over anything unpleasant, but it shows us how much depravity the average person is capable of.

As for using manual stimuli to make people feel as though they were in the presence of God, why, it doesn't prove that there isn't a God. It just shows that when people experience God, this is what happens to their brains. And that we have built-in circuits in our brains to experience Him, that these circuits are still there after all these years, just shows that He really wanted to make sure we run after Him. That we need Him in our spirits, but that He also made us, even biologically, to want Him.

I've already been told 3 times this year that the church people were weird. Or more; maybe I can't remember. But one of the people who told me this said that she was prepared to become weird herself, another said it was nice and she could get used to it, and the third wanted whatever it was we'd got. And maybe if you are reading this now you will never believe me when I say "Jesus Christ is the way. He was either mad or lying or He was God." But I hope that you will seek after the truth, and sometime soon you will know it...

With regards to my dissertation and all the arguments flying back and forth over my head the last few days, I would like to say:

'...the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.

Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength...'

Perhaps I don't have all the answers, but I do know the truth, and I know it is the truth, because it has set me free.

The Little Dreamer

2005-04-12T13:24:00.000+01:00

I dream of many things...

I dream of a future home where all feel safe, where turmoil can be raging outside but where my family can come back and feel fed and peaceful. I dream of warm quilts and creamy colours, I dream of the laughter of children and the smell of babies.

I dream of being in a foreign country, where people gather round to listen and learn, where nights are spent working and where the day starts before dawn. I dream of hearts and lives being transformed, of the love of God working through communities like yeast, spreading without hindrance or slowness.

I dream that one day my friends might see something different in my life and become drawn to it; that they might think I was weird, or crazy, or boring, right now, but that one day they would be prepared to be thought crazy themselves.

I dream of love and a family, and yet I dream of a life dedicated to His service. Do these dreams contradict each other? I don't know.

But what can I do besides dreaming? I was reading Proverbs 31 yesterday, and learning about a woman "who could laugh at the days to come". That meant that she wasn't afraid of the future; she wasn't afraid that her dreams wouldn't come true. She wasn't directionless. And the main thing that stood out about this woman was her capability and responsibility. Not some timid, sweet doormat, mind you, even in the Old Testament times. But someone who was responsible, capable and diligent, someone who woke up in the morning while it was still dark, didn't let her lamp go out at night, and was a blessing to the poor and to those around her.

And I realised that that's the only way to pursue my dreams - to live in reality now. To be diligent, to be responsible, to be strong. To set about my work vigorously, to ask Him for wisdom, to work hard, not to "eat the bread of idleness". Thoughts and dreams are empty and substanceless, if we do not live in the present, and ask Him that we should be a blessing wherever we are.

Yes, we shouldn't be so caught up in working that we forget to love Him. But we need to be deliberate and intentional to be a blessing to those around us as well, and to train ourselves up for future tests and trials in whatever we choose to do. Which brings me to the question of studying. Studying isn't pointless, because it disciplines us to do whatever work we're called to do in future, even if we feel called to church work. Studying helps us to be disciplined and forsake short term pleasures for long term gains; and this will come in useful one day when you're living your dreams.

Dreams are important and dreaming is sweet. But perhaps they aren't so important as working hard right now, doing things that you can't really see the point to doing. Because there is a time and season for everything, and I think that the time and season for me right now is to work hard - for God's glory. Help me, to do my best in my studies for You.

Postscript: I've just lost my coat in the library! My good grey coat! I'm sure that I have a long long way to go, to be as capable and careful as the woman in Proverbs 31. Hehe... sigh.

Time

2005-04-09T01:04:00.000+01:00

You know, if you set your phone on "vibrate" and stand it on a table on its base, and get someone to call your phone, your phone can start dancing around, still standing up, on the table. Try it! It's so cool!

Katie showed me this great discovery one day when we were both in my room and she was doing her essay while I was lying on the bed eating pizza. That was the night I talked in my sleep and she recorded my "sleepy talk".

Now she's in France, for three months, and I wonder if you ever become used to missing someone, to the feeling of them not being there. It hurts when you realise that some day you will just become used to missing a person. I remember the time I went to the Philippines. We went to a little village called Cabugao and stayed for a week there. Everyday we would play the guitar together, sing together, work together, and we became very close. When I left, I couldn't see them waving for the tears. They ran alongside our van, waving, and I couldn't smile. But now it's been 4 years since, and I've just become used to the feeling of them not being beside me.

When I saw Katie for the last time she was standing beside my train waving, and it seemed as though we were going to see each other very soon again, that we had only spent a nice day out together and that we would soon be in the library studying together and having breaks where we would buy Kinder Bueno chocolate, where we would sit on the library steps and chat, or go to the gym and try to work off the excess study fat.

I try not to think about leaving this place, I try to live in the present and to treasure my times with people here. With some of my friends, I always feel as though I'm in the presence of greatness. I always see so many things I admire about them and always think that they will become great one day. That's why, when I spend time with them, I always have a sense of awe. Even though I know I may never see them again, I really want to seize every day, every moment, that we're together.

Time is so short. Tick tock tick tock, and people come and go and whirl in and out of your life. How are you going to leave a lasting legacy in theirs?

More Thoughts

2005-04-06T17:00:00.000+01:00

It's been raining today, heavy sheets of rain that keep on coming down and trickling down the windows as I struggle to write my dissertation and to do the work I have to do. Periodically I go into the kitchen for pizza and listen to the comforting hum of the microwave beneath the howling of the rain.

Sometimes sitting alone in my room looking out of the window at the clouds in the sky, ever moving, ever changing, I pray that I may see God. And then I stop, listen, listen, and watch. Two birds fly across the sky, or the tree in front of me starting to blossom all over gently moves. And I try to listen, try to feel Him, to hear His still small voice, telling me that He loves me.

Things have been changing around me. Friends have gone away, and sometimes I feel lost now. Seeking out the company of friends becomes a necessity; something I have to do deliberately for my own sanity rather than something that happened so naturally before.

Sometimes I ask, "Are you there?" and look out for a reply. And in return there is silence. But I see the grandeur of the world he created, the infinity of the sky, the grass rippling in the breeze, and I remember what He said,

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it is from, or where it is going."

and I remember that He said, "Blessed are those who have not seen, and have believed."

And I know I don't have to have an answer. Because now I see in a mirror dimly, but then I will see face to face...

Ta Bao (Takeaway)

2005-04-05T17:57:00.000+01:00

If one day the sun refuses to rise for me
If one day the birds refuse to sing,
If one day the skies withold their glory
Or if one day the storms come rushing in

I will rejoice, yet I will rejoice, in the Lord my Saviour
I will be glad and be joyful in the Lord
Although my heart awaits in fear and trembling
I will rejoice, yet I will rejoice.

If one day the world shuts down in chaos
And my friends leave one by one
If one day my lips hold back their laughter
And my heart's dreams that come true are none

If one day He takes away all that's precious
And leaves me helpless in Him
If one day He tests my heart's desires
to see if He is Lord within

I will rejoice, yet I will rejoice, in the Lord my Saviour
I will be glad and joyful in the Lord
Although my heart awaits in fear and trembling
I will rejoice, yet I will rejoice.

He will yet make my feet like that of a deer
to climb the rocky places
He will enable me to go on the heights
To soar above all that comes my way,
and I will rejoice, though the fig tree does not bud
I will rejoice, though the crop is failing
I will rejoice in the Lord, yet I will rejoice
and be joyful in Him my saviour.

Habakkuk 3: 17 - 19
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD ,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights."

Thoughts... Looking Back

2005-04-04T13:10:00.000+01:00

I think I should write about what has happened in my life over this past year, and I hope that as you read this that you may find some parallels in your own experiences and journey.

Last year was a very hard one for me because of Singsoc and because I gradually lost direction in life. I felt as though I wasn't giving my best to Singsoc, and I was running around like a little ant doing nothing, basically, helping to organise trips and dinners and activities where people would just go out, enjoy themselves, get drunk, mess around. We had to organise parties and we all had to go, and to seem like a part of everyone I was the wildest dancer there, the one who knew everyone, the one in the middle of everything.

In the midst of it all things happened which really shook my world and the storms came in, someone I'd thought outstanding since I first met him showed he had feelings for me, and we almost got into a relationship which was thankfully prevented. He was not a Christian. However, it seemed as though a new side of me was opened to the world around me, and I realised that things weren't as bright and rosy as I always thought they were. I realised that even though I'd been a Christian all these years, the pull in me to do the things that everyone else was doing was very strong.

I became more thoughtful and tried to explain Christianity logically to my friends and to him, and I remember telling Haoern before that some people were too intellectual to accept that Christ was the way in their hearts, and that you had to convince them of Christianity philosophically first. The fact that I was taking philosophy then made me even more cocksure and I always thought that I had all the answers even though my life was quite a mess.

Because of that relationship which had been prevented, I sunk into depression and stopped going to church for a while. I felt as though the people in church wouldn't understand what I was going through. I felt that the people in church were too otherworldly, too godly to understand, that they wouldn't have the answers for me. I remember praying then and telling God that I still loved him, that I knew that He was there for me, but it was just the people in church that I doubted.

During that period of time, 3 angels were sent to me. One of them was my cell group leader Vincent, who patiently gave me his time, listened to me, and never judged me, gave me space and showed me care and concern, never gave up on me. The other two were Haoern and Florence, who visited me at home, bringing me chocolate. It was such a small thing, the chocolate, and they never said anything about church, they never said "Are you alright?" but they just came and spent time with me, and even though it was such a small thing, that really touched me.

So slowly, and I don't know how it happened, I went back to church, and a little later after that my first friend accepted Christ and became a Christian. God showed that He could still use our lives in the midst of turmoil...

At the beginning of this year when I came back I was still going to parties and of course there were the usual guys and the usual temptations and I was already numb to it all. There were times when I knew I was doing the wrong thing and sinning against God, but I would just push the thought of Him out of my head. After a while, it seemed as though sin was normal, that it was an easy thing, that it didn't matter anymore and it didn't hurt God or hurt myself. I was still going to church every week and serving in church, but I knew that He didn't have my whole heart.

Then we went for an Encounter Weekend in the Yorkshire Dales, where we spent a few days listening to talks on the love of God, the freedom we have as Christians, the kind of gifts God gives to us as Christians, etc. I went with great expectation of having my life changed by God, because I was tired of living my life in defeat and tired of pretending that nothing was wrong when in fact there were so many things wrong.

I remember then surrendering many things to God, especially relationships. I remember then feeling so joyful in His presence, and yet crying my heart out over so many things I'd done that had hurt Him, times that I knew I'd pushed Him away, and yet still being able to feel His presence then. It really touched me that He was still willing to give me a chance.

After that I left feeling fresh and new. It wasn't that I didn't fall into sin anymore. But the desire in me to sin lessened, and I wanted to serve Him more.

Then I started doing many things for Him, bringing my friends to church, and saw two more friends become Christians. I saw miracles around me as their lives were changed.

And then now in the midst of doing so many things, I realise that when God looks at us, He doesn't see the things we do. What can we do but come to Him with empty hands, because He has done it all on the cross for us. How can we think that just because we have met up with someone today, just because we have shared the gospel today, just because we are going to church or just because we are serving Him, that we are more qualified to come to Him than before? Or how can we think that just because we have sinned today, or that we have neglected something we know we should have done, that we cannot come before Him? Because in both cases we approach Him by His grace alone.

How can we think that just by doing many things for Him that we are wonderful Christians? Because in the end, the only thing He asks from you is your heart and your attention.

I realise now when I serve Him, that I do not serve Him to earn His praise. I serve Him because my life is His...

As I look back I realise that everything that has happened in my life is thanks to Him. Thanks to Him, I am no longer a slave to sin. Thanks to Him, I can be joyful everyday and thanks to Him, I have the strength to love where I cannot love, to do what I cannot do.

Thank You : )

Prayer

2005-03-27T23:31:00.000+01:00

In the midst of busyness, there are so many people I want to talk to
So many people who come and go in the course of the day
Or people I bump into online and see that I hesitate to say hi to
Friends tell me things I can't respond to
Only saying, "Pray and believe"
How can I continue to have the faith
That positive changes will occur
That I will draw close to Him
And continue to serve

Let me be a Mary
Content to sit at your feet
Let me not like Martha rush around
And forget to worship
Let me undo the pride of my heart
And bow down and anoint Your feet
Let me be a Mary,
Let me be undone
before you.

When things are overwhelming and I know she needs encouragement
When things are overtaking me and I know he needs my prayers
What do I do? And how can I respond?
It's not about my weakness Lord
But it's about Your strength

Let me be a Mary
content to sit at your feet
Who found forgiveness for myraid wrongs
And gave her heart in return
Let me worship you in brokenness
Just dependent on your grace,
and let me be like Mary, Lord.

A Ragged Booklet

2005-03-21T17:52:00.000Z

Spent all day in the library today trying to get the NEEC equipping booklet done and after many hours of hard work ended up with a ragged looking thing which wasn't aligned or printable. Then quite by chance Susana came in and I found out that the way to get a booklet done was by using the CorelDraw programme, not by dividing a landscape Microsoft Word document into two columns! So much for not keeping up with technology! Ah well. At least being on MSN the whole day allowed me to catch up with old friends and provided a welcome distraction (although I was good, I left my status on Busy).

So am going to slog away at it tonight, hopefully with Susana's help, until I end up with something that looks slightly professional at least.

I wanted to write alot more in here, but somehow feel a little dazed from staring away at the computer for so many hours. So am going to wander down to Morrisons where I shall get cereal and milk (full cream! mmm) and chicken breast and mixed vegetables, which shall be my *healthy* fare for a month. Hopefully, I will lose lots of weight and become thin like the impossible people you see in fashion magazines.

Will write more soon.

Sleepy Talk

2005-03-20T13:05:00.000Z

Thinking back over the past week I remember some funny incidents on Monday and Tuesday when Katie came over to stay because of her essays. I would go to bed early and leave the lights on while Katie typed away at her laptop.

One night as part of one of our myraid "study breaks" I ordered Milano's hot pollo with extra funghi and jalepenos pizza and we polished off 6 slices altogether in the dead of the night. Then Katie showed me how her phone could walk, and we both discovered that my phone could dance...an amazing discovery which had us both in stitches of laughter. I am quite sure it's the first time anyone in Leeds made that discovery ever.

After that I went to bed and Katie stayed up working at her essay and the next morning I was presented with a piece of paper entitled "Ruthie's sleepy talk".

Ruthie: I can't stop... I'm addicted.
KT: To what?
Ruthie: Friends
KT: The show?
Ruthie: Yeahh.. *mumble*

Haha...

Two are better than one, especially when it comes to writing down sleepy talk.

Contemplation

2005-03-18T13:08:00.000Z

Have been in a bit of a mood recently, and as a result haven't been doing much, mostly sleeping or reading in my room on my own, coming down to meet people for dinner and waking up to answer the phone when it rings and then falling asleep again. It's quite funny cos when I wake up in the morning and check my mobile, I'd have apparently received calls last night which I hadn't any more memory of in the morning. (feel free to correct my grammar)

Maybe it's just that time of the year when it's getting warmer and the sun is rising earlier and everything seems so light and you know you should be happy but you're not working hard enough, you're not investing enough time into the long term, building up your personality; when you know you're spending more time in front of the mirror than reading your bible, when you spend more time sleeping than calling other people up, when you feel that there are so many people you have neglected in your life, when you feel that your friendship hasn't been given freely, when you feel discouraged because the more time you spend serving in church, the more you start comparing yourself with others and how the more honest you can be about yourself in front of people who aren't Christians.

I sin every day. Big sins, small sins, sins of neglect, sins of speech, sins of hypocrisy, breaking my promises. And I really know that sin is a leprosy the eats away at the soul, that isolates you from other people, that leaves you feeling so heavy-hearted. But time and time again asking for forgiveness the 1000th time when you have renounced and resolved and prayed again and again is a discouragement.

I remember reading recently in the Bible about the sacrifices for a man who'd slept with slave woman. He had to kill a ram as a guilt offering, and it said that his sin would be forgiven after that (Leviticus 19:20 -22). At this I just stopped short and thought, how could a ram be enough to forgive such guilt? A sin which affected not only his life but her own, a sin which was private and secret, which was deliberate, which they could have stopped at any moment but just spiralled out of control for both of them.

And if His Son was made a sacrifice for me, once and for all, and all I have to do is just ask for forgiveness and turn back, it seems too easy, it seems too cheap, knowing that one day I might just do the same thing again...

And yet someone said that everyday we'd go out into the sun and allow the sun to shine on us, without thinking about whether we deserved it or not. And if I can accept so many things freely, like the air that I breathe and the water I drink and the sunshine and the beauty all around me, can I not accept forgiveness freely too?

I'm going to watch The Passion tonight... have quite a sense of expectancy. Help me to know deep inside me how much it means to You when I sin. Help me to know deep inside me that it was taken away once and for all when You sacrificed Yourself on the Cross...

Contentment

2005-03-15T22:08:00.000Z

It's just when things in your life are going so well, when you seem to be keeping busy, when everything seems fulfilling, that you have to be even more careful, to cut out the unecessary from your life, to strive for excellence, to keep seeking out the company of people important to you, not to be too busy or caught up in your work to have time for people.

To find the time to laugh, to share, to spend time together even in silence or working together, enriching each other's lives.

To treasure every phone call, every snatched, hurried MSN conversation.

At times like these you realise that the person is more important than productivity, that principles behind doing things are more important than the problems, that progress is more important than programs (Wee Leon's words). You realise that behind everything you are doing, there has to be growth and change. You cannot stay stagnant.

Contentment is a great thing, but I am always slightly wary of it because I tend to sit back and think that there's nothing else to do. And there's so so much to do, so many people around, no time to waste. Make every second count, because there's never going to be another like it ever again.

Comfort Zones

2005-03-14T22:21:00.000Z

Remember sometime ago I was posting about comfort zones and risk zones and doing things outside your comfort zone until your comfort zone enlarges and your risk zone becomes smaller? I've had a good few days because I've been trying to do things that lie way outside my comfort zone and as a result I've realised that with God's help nothing is impossible and the thrill of knowing that you are doing something you aren't capable of without Him, is quite an experience.

On Friday the Charles Morris cell group people, some of them, decided to do something to raise money for Red Nose Day. Everyone was supposed to dress up as a superhero and go "busking" - stand stock-still until someone dropped money in your cup and then do some superhero-y thing. But although they were really enthusiastic about the idea when it was first put forward, they dropped out one by one until there were only a few of us left: Susana, Nick, Ed, and *me*. Nick looked a little like Neo from The Matrix and had a Matrix-y coat (you can see the quality of my English is deteriorating) so it was decided he would go as Neo. Ed looked like the Incredible Hulk and me and Susana... didn't know what to go as.

Nick and Ed seemed like quiet and serious people, and Susana and I can be crazy at times but we didn't know Nick and Ed well enough to be crazy with. Ed was half-hearted and I feared that he would pull out. I had my doubts about everything but prayed that it would be ok. When the day came I woke up early and tried to piece a costume together. In the end Susana and I went as "Trinities" dressed all in black.

To be honest I was half-hearted about dressing up because I didn't know how everyone would be looking like, whether they'd be putting in effort into their costumes. Reached Parkinson's early and had a horrible pounding feeling in my heart, and was thinking to myself, "I don't want to do this, this is waaay out of my comfort zone." Hid in Parkinson's building, uncomfortable with the all-black look, until Nick called. Ring ring. Went out to see

Nick and Ed in long cassocks and sunglasses looking SO cool and SO much like Neos and I just exclaimed aloud in surprise! I never expected them to be so sporting! In the end they staged mock fights at Parkinson's steps and Susana and I went around with Red Nose boxes asking people for donations and everyone raised £22.60 in an hour. It was really unbelievable and I didn't expect that I would have enjoyed myself so much!

So doing things outside your comfort zone is so rewarding because when they turn out well you're always surprised... and glad. And you always feel such a sense of God's grace.

Did something else out of my comfort zone today. We went to a Sticks and Stones poetry gathering at Strawberry Fields today but it was slightly different. Compelled by my conscience, I compiled a poem about Singlish in Singlish from bits of poems and jokes I found off the internet (apologies all copywrited material people). As such I don't think I really wrote it, just kind of shaped it. The main part is from a poem by Cornelius Pang, and I put bits of jokes I remembered about Singlish saying things much more succintly than English in it, and the end result was this:

Wah! I hear now that we got big debate.
They said future of proper English is at the stake.
All because this stupid Singlish oready spoil the market.
And if we want to change donno whether it's too late.

Aiyoh! Ang moh hear us talk like this will also want to faint
Even our Uni graduates speak like street Ah Bengs.
Singlish is like rojak, everything throw inside and mix
Got Malay, Chinese, Tamil, English and Hokkein just for kicks.

You want some exampurs? I can give you lor.
Prepare yourself for some assaulting on your eardrums hor.

Aiyah...
In England when they do not have your sizes anymore
They say, "I'm sorry, we don't have this in the store"
In Singapore they would just say, "Solly lah no stock!"

In England when you return a call you say "Hello, who's there?
Did someone call for me before when I was doing my hair?"
In Singapore they would just say, "Ello, who call eh?"

In England when turning someone down they say "I'd prefer not
To do that, sir, if you don't mind. It's a load of tommyrot."
Whereas in Singpaore it would just be "Dowan, lor!"

When asking someone to go out with you you would carefully
Choose your words and say, "Would you go out with me?"
But Singaporeans would concisely say, "Be my steady."

Aiyah, if you write like that exam sure fail liao
The teacher mark your paper will also be kee siao
Basically Singlish got good and got bad.
Actually hor everything in life is like that.

Other people say we all got no culture.
We only got alot of joint business venture.
So we got no culture to glue us together.
End up, we like a big bunch of feathers.

Wind blow abit too strong only we fly away.
Everybody all go their own separate ways.
When other countries' influences all enter,
We sure kena affected, left right and centre.

So what we are we donno, we still very blur
We think in English, speak in Singlish, spell like British - hurh...
We donno what our culture is, because we got alot
Malay and Chinese, Ang Mor and Indian in one melting pot.

So got this kind of problem, like that then aiyah, how?
Either sit and wait or can do something now.
But actually we all got one "culture" in our Singlish.
It is like fried rice lor, it is our common dish.

Maybe this culture is not the best one around.
But we have to tahan until a better one is found.
Not all the time you can marry the best man.
If you got no prawns, bo pian fish also can.

I donno whether you agree with me or not?
I just simply sharing with you my thoughts.
Singlish is just like the little garden weeds
That you pull and pull like crazy and they still refuse to quit.
Aiyah,
Sure got some people like and some do not like,
But Singlish, and English, will still live side by side.

The only thing I feel bad about is that I didn't say that it was compiled off the Internet, so people thought it was all my own work and when they came up to say well done after that, I didn't say that it was mostly from the Internet! So... sorry Cornelius Pang, all the credit should go to you - you are brilliant.

I was surprised that people were laughing and that people actually understood it, and people were so amused at everything... they laughed when I said that I came from Singapore, the land where chewing gum is illegal - and cheered - they laughed at the posh accent bits where English is contrasted with Singlish - they laughed at almost every funny bit and I was too surprised to be as nervous as I was before that.

Thinking back I remember thinking that I'd never have the chance to stand in a smokey pub full of English people and read out poetry about my country and the bane of my country again, ever, in my whole life. And I'd never see most of the people there again. So it didn't really matter, did it, doing something I was uncomfortable about doing and that I'd never done before. Because the worst that could happen was failing - but a few months later people would forget exactly what it was you'd messed up anyway.

So people came up after that and said it was good, and as we were leaving this guy came and gushed in quite a girly way, and I was surprised, and pleased, and thankful.

So I have learnt that things aren't ever as bad as they seem, and doing something for the first time can turn out to be extremely surprising and rewarding.

Library-ing

2005-03-14T15:07:00.000Z

When going out of the library the other day, I saw someone apparently going to walk into the library through the door, so I stood aside to let him pass first. No-one came in, though, and I saw him stand still too. Peeked behind me and realised that the person was behind me and that I was looking at his reflection in the door instead of him. With a little "oh" I hurried through the door in mild surprise.

Am in the library again now, trying to usher in the start of another busy week in the true spirit of hard work.

To Finish Well

2005-03-12T15:45:00.000Z

These few days have been tiring, moody days. It seems like the old me is surfacing again - the old me that sits on a side and observes everything going on, the me that can't be bothered about anyone else but myself, the me that judges and condemns what I do and what everyone else does. The me that sometimes can't see the point or results of what I'm doing anymore, and these are tiring, tiring days. The only thing that I can cling on to is that God accepts me just as I am. I don't have to look for anyone's approval because He is for me and not against me. The accusing thoughts I hear aren't from Him - they're from the accuser of the brethren. Still, it's a huge struggle not to believe these thoughts and to just accept that I have worth in His eyes.

Sometimes it feels like I'm going through a series of hills and valleys. I don't want to tell myself that life should always be easy, that we should have no struggles, that we should always be perfect. That we shouldn't confide in other people because we don't want to complain. But I am thankful for valleys, even though they may only be hormonal monthly valleys, because I can rely more on Him. Because I pray more. Because when He answers, I know that I haven't done anything, I can't do anything, it is all His doing.

Sometimes it feels as though I'm in a hopeless situation, and I'm struggling to keep my neck above water. But you know that in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. I want to be more than a conqueror, and I am glad, glad glad for challenges that bring me out of my comfort zone. When the waves threaten to overwhelm me, there is a secret place that I can always run to.

I pray that I will always look to Him above anyone else human. For no-one else accepts me just as I am, or loves me just the way He does. As Easter approaches I want to remember... to remember each stripe He took on His back, to remember all He did for me... to look back on my life and remember how He brought me thus far... and to have the faith that I will not only start well, but finish well.

Custard

2005-03-10T11:53:00.000Z

“Atop this ensemble sits the brain. Its weight is one pound, its consistency that of thick custard, and its fine structure the most complicated machinery ever produced on earth.”1

Yes, it is amazing, but I don’t think I will ever be able to eat custard with a clear conscience again *eww*.

My day started in quite a funny manner today. Last night, (knowing my tendency to procrastinate and to laze around and sleep through my alarm clock), I prayed, as I have done several times, “Lord, please wake me up early tomorrow so that I can spend time with you.” It’s always worked for me… so I thought I would make it a nightly prayer.

This morning my alarm went at half-past seven and I actually woke up. Usually I sleep through it until 9 or 10. But I opened my eyes, switched off the alarm clock, and thought I’d just roll over and lie there for another half-hour. Was almost falling asleep again when I was startled awake by this awful loud clanging and realised it was a fire drill. So I was forced to put on a jumper and go downstairs and hop around in the cold morning air which woke me up thoroughly.

After that I did go back and talk to Him. But part of me was pretty amused that He thought it would take a fire alarm to get me out of bed in the early morning.

So I started the day in a giggly mood and when I read that about the brain having the consistency of custard I just knew that it would be a quirky interesting delightful day today. What a peculiar, remarkable, funny world it is.

1E.O. Wilson: "On Human Nature" - my dissertation primary source

Pink Skies

2005-03-09T22:01:00.000Z

Today while walking back from the auditions for the MASSOC ball Sunny and I exclaimed in wonder at the sky. It was blue with fluffy pink clouds just as though God had splashed a paintbrush coated with pink randomly across the sky. And they say pink is the in colour now. He sure knows what He's doing.

So we got our mobile phones out and clicked away at the sky, trying desperately to capture the wonderful riot of colour, but all we got was a tiny square of faded salmon and blue on our phones, not the vivid blue and pink of the sky, and a black little tree on a black little hill instead of the sorrowful, knarled branches of the tree still bare, still hopeful, still waiting, on a hill already vibrant with nodding daffodils.

"The actual thing looks so much better than in photographs," said Sunny in Chinese.

"The eyes are the best cameras," said I.

Thoughts

2005-03-06T21:26:00.000Z

We watched Hotel Rwanda yesterday and it was amazing. This tells the story of the guy who inspired it all - Paul Rusesabagina. He sheltered 1268 refugees, fleeing from the genocide in Kigali, Rwanda, in his hotel, and ingeniously found ways to keep them from being slaughtered by the angry rebels who turned up everyday.

Paul had such courage, and I could never, ever imagine myself put in his position.

One of the songs had a heartwrenching excerpt of a song sung by African children:

Ni dyar'izuba, Rizagaruka,
Hejuru yacu, Ni nduzaricyeza riceza
Ni dyar'izuba, Rizagaruka,
Hejuru yacu, Ni nduzaricyeza.
(When will the sun return above us?
Who will reveal it again to us?)

This movie also set me thinking about how much is going on in the world that I don't know about, don't care about, don't pray about. During the crisis in Rwanda, over a million people died but the UN didn't intervene. One of the cameramen in Hotel Rwanda said, "If people see this footage, they will go, 'Oh God, that's horrible' and go back to eating their dinner." And I realised that I need to become more well-informed about the world out there, and try to make a difference.

Right now, genocide is taking place in the Sudan..read about it here and here. Besides signing petitions, and donating money, we can all pray. And we must pray, for prayer is the only hope we have in our positions, sometimes.

The Question

2005-03-06T19:13:00.000Z

Are you my Father? Do you love me?
Do you hold my life so tenderly in your hands?
They say you think of me a thousand times and more
each day, more than the grains of sand...

Are you my Comforter? Do you give strength?
Do you weep beside me when I fall?
Do you see my agony
Do you see my every need,
Do you rush to embrace me when I call?

Am I asking silly questions, Father
Should I really be asking if you're Lord?
For what good does it do
to run around serving you
If I don't ask myself, "Are you Lord?"
Are you Lord of my life?

So are you Lord of my life,
Do you hold my future plans
Are you Lord of my heart,
Do you hold my thoughts and dreams,
are you Lord of every friendship I hold dear to me?
are you Lord, would I run from all else to follow you?

Are you Lord of my life,
and the Lord of my desires,
Does my soul thirst for you
like a weary, hungry man,
are you Lord, are you God of everything?

You ran into the garden
at the cool of the day
calling out to their hearts
as they hid from you
you ran with arms open wide
as your wilful son came back
and you wept
and you wept

Are you Lord of my life? Have I given all to you,
given all, all my moods and my tears
when the world seems to spin
without meaning, without joy
are you Lord, are you Lord, of my life?

Elections... and Campaigns

2005-03-03T17:03:00.000Z

Election time for the new LUU committee is just around the corner and I have been seeing some strange signs in the toilet lately.

"Roses are red, if you feel blue,
vote Sam #1
and I'll be there for you.
Increase intensity of campains in female and male concerns."

"'For Societies Best Vote John Schless' (SCHLESS IS MORE!)"

I think I'd rather vote Schless than have an increased intensity of female campains...

Statistics and Prayer...

2005-03-03T16:13:00.000Z

Today we had quite an interesting lecture about ecological economics and the lecturer was telling us about how economics is basically the cycle of wealth which is spent on things that apparently make us happy. He then deviated abit and showed us some happiness indices. Sex was rated the highest happiness giver, with a happiness index of 4.7, while prayer was further down the list with a happiness index of 3.8. A little puzzled, I was chewing my pencil and thinking about it and absentmindedly highlighted "sex" and "prayer" before I realised what I'd done, then thinking what a weirdo I'd probably seem to the people beside me I quickly highlighted everything else (exercise, dinner, relaxing, socialising after work, etc).

Apparently, the second highest happiness giving activity is "socialising after work", and the third highest happiness giving activity is "dinner". I found it so funny. After doing statistics in my first year and having to work on our project for school attachment last year where we investigated the factors behind the motivations of schoolchildren and how to make them more motivated, I now know that statistics can barely be trusted at all. To put it simply, in layman's terms, there are just so many things that can go wrong.

One of the survey questions on our project last year was, "What motivates you most?" and the kids were given different options to tick, like "parents", "competition", "religion", "goals", etc. As a joke, we decided to put "motivational posters" in as an option because there were so many of them all over the school (this was a school where kids weren't that good academically). We took these options, and using some mathematical methods *blur old me* came up with, corrrelated these factors to their results. In the end, we found the strongest positive correlation between motivational posters and results! We were dumbfounded and disguised that in our report; I think we skipped over it quickly in the presentation or made up some statistics!

That's why I don't quite trust statistics, among many other reasons.

So the lecture today seemed really funny. Prayer ranked high on the list, but below dinner, relaxing, and lunch, (but still way above work and the morning commute)!

I guess this shows that prayer is really something we don't do naturally. But this means that all the more we have to put in effort until we cannot tear ourselves away from Him. For "Abide in Me" was a command, not an option. And to obey it requires discipline.

We were made spiritual beings, but we're more sensitive to the physical now because of sin. That's why we're so conscious of physical things - we are enslaved to our bodies and controlled by physical needs and desires.

But the spiritual awakened when you were born again. To allow it to continue to grow the spiritual has to be fed with spiritual things. And when the spirit man has been fed, again and again, he will know that His love "is better than wine", that he would "not be drunk on wine, but be filled with the Spirit", and to set his heart on heavenly things. For the things that are seen will pass away, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Warning: Extremely Frivolous

2005-03-01T15:49:00.000Z

We went to Strawberry Fields yesterday, for another "Sticks and Stones" gathering, where people do poetry reading in the bar upstairs into a microphone and everyone else gazes at them rapt in awe. After that, we went to the Fab Cafe for a drink and Space Raiders, and then to Bar Phono to meet up with some of our coursemates from Philosophy last year and chatted (or rather yelled) the night away.

I had a good night and might be reading out poetry in Singlish at the next Sticks and Stones; because I figure I'll never see most of these people again, so it won't matter if I embarrass myself and because it's good to do things out of your comfort zone anyway. And also because Andy has been asking me to do it (whether as a joke or seriously, I don't know :oP ), and I would feel "guilt-aeh" if I didn't try at least once.

On the subject of guilt, I did something so funny and silly today. I went for 20 minutes of the AGM in the refectory today, but not because I was that concerned about what goes on in my university. I went with a friend I bumped into at the library, who wanted to go check out Tom, one of the officers in the executive committee, because she had seen his picture on the internet! Although I didn't go for Tom's sake, my motive wasn't entirely pure as well because I wanted to see *ahem* Seb, who is much much cuter and taller than he looks in that picture. When I used to have to do things for Singsoc I would always look forward to going to the Union to find him, and we also went to get free personal alarms from the union because he was there (and also because Leeds is a dangerous place).

Anyway, we got to see both our guys and listen to the consitutional changes that were being made and hear motions postponed and catch up on what was going on in our university so it was all good.

Well... this is the kind of frivolity I have been amusing myself with these days, and I'd better get back to hitting the books.

Ordinary Things

2005-02-28T14:17:00.000Z

I'm thankful for chance meetings with friends, sitting in the Mezz Bar, chatting an hour away, feeling all the poison of the soul drain away in the antidote of each other's company.

I'm thankful for the long hours spent in the library, sitting down at a desktop while people drift in and out like when I fast-forward a bit of a movie. And soon the fast-forwarding ends and it's time to go back and try to drag out each minute when I'm doing something I really like.

I'm amused when sales people come up to me trying to pitch some hair salon or other with an 85% discount on £350 because I look like the kind who would care that much about myself.

I laugh when I read in a journal about "genetic devices" and the author wonders on paper whether such an expression is admissible.

I'm thankful for ordinary days, routines, thankful for things I become used to. I'm thankful for familiar conversations, familiar faces, for care and concern which hide beneath familiar cliches:

"I see friends shaking hands, saying, 'how do you do? They're really saying, 'I, I love you..."

And even though I groan when I look at the sky o'mornings, I'm thankful for the snow that falls without fail every day, and I'm starting to notice minute differences in the way snow falls and can understand how the Eskimos can have more than a hundred different words for snow.

I'm glad for friends who come and go, because even after they go, they leave something behind in my soul and life is so much richer for having known them, even if only for that short period of time.

I'm thankful for friendships, and I'm thankful that it's always possible to pull up roots and root yourself in another place. I'm thankful for the closeness and warmth of friendships I have, and glad that none of us are afraid to give our all to the other, regardless of impending separation in the future.

I'm thankful for new people I meet, learning from them; knowing that every single person has something to give.

I am glad for sleep, that I can sink down in my bed and dream dreams, and know that even when dreams seem too good to be true, realities can be even better.

I am glad for stress, thankful that there are things I have to do, things to carry out; because I know that I am doing something with my life, and because I have a reason to wake up everyday. I am thankful for all these things, because when they get done I will heave a sigh of satisfaction and see the fruit of my labour.

I am glad for every single ordinary thing about the life I'm living. For when something we take for granted goes missing, we realise that its impact on our lives was actually extraordinary; because every ordinary thing that goes leaves an extraordinary sense of loss.

And I am thankful for being myself and thankful for this life I've been given to live.

No Time To Waste

2005-02-26T23:46:00.000Z

In Secondary School I had a classmate I'll call Amy, who was tall and pretty and in the basketball team. She wasn't popular with us because she had a habit of talking only about herself, and because she just didn't seem interested in our lives. She never did her work and always got thrown out of class, and she had one boyfriend after another outside of school. Even the teachers disliked her, and she was classed as a "hopeless" person, one who would never change.

She wrote well. Her stories were always slightly morbid, about girls who cut themselves after fights with their mothers, about broken relationships, about twisted things. She wrote poetry. Transparent poetry. I remember one of her poems, "i dont ask for any advice. all i ask for is a listening ear."

She was Catholic and I remember having frequent friendly debates with her over my faith and hers.

Her parents were separated and she frequently hung out after school shooting hoops in the basketball court.

She didn't do well for her O-levels. We never saw her after secondary school, she didn't come back to get her O-level results. She was brilliant, but somehow never put her potential to its fullest use.

In Junior College word trickled through the grapevine that she had sold photographs of herself to a pornography site and one of my classmates told me to call her. "You're the only one who can talk to her," he said.

And I couldn't, I thought. I wasn't close to her; true, I had been nice to her in school but we had never been good friends, I wouldn't have the words to say, etc. And I didn't call, someone else would, I thought; there's always someone else to do anything.

A year later I got a call from an old classmate of mine saying that Amy was dead. We went to her home and there she was, eyes closed, face swollen and garish makeup painted on by the undertaker, killed from a fall no-one knew was intentional or accidental. She was gone. She would never play basketball again, never write a poem again. Never ask for a listening ear.

Because there's only one life, and once it's gone, you have nothing. No other chance to be alive, no other chance to do the things you used to.

And there's no time to waste because the friends you have around you won't be around for long. You have to seize every hour, every minute, every second, to show them you care, to build up relationships, to give something of yourself to other people, because - why are we doing the things we do? What are we aiming for in life? We want to leave a legacy.

And my mistake of not caring for that one person needing me so much at that instant cost a life. Help me not to live in regret... help me to continue praying and being a friend to those who need someone just to listen.

I've been thinking about this because a dear life has been taken back recently, and I wish that we had had greater fellowship. I wish that I had overcome my shyness and had talked more to her, I wish that I had encouraged her more, I wish that I had struggled more in prayer for her.

And life goes on, friends around me still laugh and joke and everything carries on as per normal, and that's what makes me a little wistful; only the few will remember you as a burning brand imprinted on their hearts, and the many will just remember you as a dear name. And the majority will not care at all, save a few sighs and regrets. And in the end, if life is so short, what's the point of living our lives for the smaller goals, for our own petty purposes? Would it not be better to look in the perspective of eternity, and focus on what is really important?

Will I not treasure the people around me more dearly, will I not make more effort to show I care, will I not agonise more in prayer, if I realise that there's no time to waste, that all our lives we're searching for fulfillment, for legacy, and this can only be found in knowing God's purpose for your life? There's no time to waste because one day we are going to have to give an account to God. What we have done with our lives. And you know, deep in your heart, that if you do not know the One who created you, then there is really nothing worth living for.

If you want to know more, please click here...

O, that all of us would find the greater purpose, would seize every day with such urgency, and set our hearts on the important and eternal.

Misadventures Along The Warm Route

2005-02-25T15:59:00.000Z

There's a covered route that runs along our university from the Roger Stevens lecture theatre to the library and also to the Bragg cluster and the Geology department. It's called the Red Route because it's painted red. It's very convenient for students who want to get from one part of the university to another in a hurry.

I walk to my lectures everyday by what I call the Warm Route.

It's only half a minute from my hall to the Warm Route. I manage to get onto the Warm Route by entering the Geology department, which starts on the 8th floor, take the lift up to the 10th floor, and then go out of the Geology department and get onto the Red Route, from which I can go to lectures or to the library or to the computer cluster.

I was halfway through completing the Warm Route, waiting for the lift in the Geology Department, when an old, stooped man shuffled next to me. We looked at each other and smiled and then we looked away; me at the staircase, him at the ceiling. Saw Jason, one of my hallmates, coming down the stairs, and said "hi" just as the old man said, "Which level are you aiming for then?"

"Ten", I said.

"Oh, me too," and we nodded at each other in mutual recognition of our selecting the same level to get out on.

The lift came and we both got in together, and he pressed "10" with trembling fingers a few times before the light came on on the button. Was embarrassed to reach out and press it because I didn't want to make him embarrassed too.

The lift rose and he looked at me and hummed, then looked at the lift buttons and hummed. I smiled, wondering if he was a professor.

We both got out at the tenth floor when the lift stopped, and I walked out through the Geology exit onto the Red Route when I passed a familiar-looking old man. Did a double take when I realised it was the same one who had been in the lift with me. Wondering why we'd been going in opposite directions I realised that he'd taken the nearer Geology exit and as a result I was bumping into him again.

It was one of those incidents which makes everything seem slightly surreal, and so on that note I walked to lectures thinking that I would write it down, and thinking of an adjective to describe the whole thing and how it seemed to me at that time.

And I found it. Whimsical. That was it. Whimsical.

Of Snow. and him. and Him.

2005-02-22T17:24:00.000Z

The snow was falling thick and fast yesterday as I walked back from the Bragg cluster and the whole world was blanketed in white. When I got back to halls some of them were embroiled in a snow fight and David yelled "Ruth!" and ran toward me, so I quickly ran in to avoid getting another soaking! Had already gotten very soaked earlier by Davis and the rest who for some strange reason went mad at the sight of all that good lovely snow piled on the hoods of cars going to waste by not being thrown at someone else. Ahaha.

I hung my jeans to dry and sat down looking out of the huge window in front of my desk at all the loveliness - the snow coming down and the dim yellow street lamps misty in the icy cold. And everything was so beautiful that I felt sad.

Sometime long ago in my childhood something so sad happened that it was almost funny and I talked about that with my brother before. Some things can be so sad that they're funny, and now I know that some things can be so beautiful that their very loveliness causes a pain inside.

It was past midnight, just the right time for calling home (eight in the morning), and I called and told my dad about the snow, about ice-skating, about everything. And he was most sympathetic, and funny, and practical, as he always is. He gave me the best advice - to stop worrying, because a worrier cannot do the Lord's work. Worry isn't a good thing; we have to learn to let whatever it is go and commit it to God in prayer. Prayer is surrendering control to God, and acknowledging that He can work in people's hearts.

Concerning the future and direction I was looking for, my dad said something so pithy and simple and yet profound I was just blown over by it. He said that I should commit all my desires to the Lord and trust that He would do His will in my life because my life was committed to Him. Because if something was the Lord's will, nothing could go against His will being accomplished and carried out; and if something wasn't His will, why then nothing could force His Hand otherwise. And His will would be the best way, and the best years of my life would be those lived under His will, and the most abundant life would be that lived in His purpose.

So a little less burdened I fell into a quiet sleep that night and this morning told my Father, too, about all that was on my heart. And talking to him and Him helped so much; because he gave sound humourous advice and the best listening ear, and because He did all that and He is more - He is in control over everything.

Thoughts

2005-02-21T23:39:00.000Z

Went ice-skating tonight and although I fell so many times, the snow and the people whirling around me worked their magic and I tried to look up and focus on the snow and slip and slide my way around the circle. Reminded me of the days roller-blading on East Coast Beach, only much more slippery and much colder and less comfortable! However, I had a good time.

It was our first time, Sunny and I, and I was so impressed watching Sunny slide her way around the ice. She was unsteady on her feet but kept at it for two hours and by the end I thought she was really good for a beginner. I saw a determination in her I really admired. And she was smiling and enjoying herself so much even though she was imbalanced and would fall at times. She was so happy. And I was so blessed, just by being her friend.

This past week has been rather tough, and the days ahead look set to be tough as well. Work is piling up and there are so many things to do. Emotions threaten to overwhelm at times. Situations don't work out the way I want them to, and people won't behave the way I want them to. The waves seem to be crowding in thick and fast...

But nothing is under my control, and I am truly helpless. All I can do is look to You for help and direction and guidance. Capture me with Your grace.

The Sky Pilot

2005-02-21T10:29:00.000Z

Snow is beautiful because it isn't static. It is always dynamic, always moving, always changing the landscape, always alive. It makes the world look like it's constantly shifting and you have to peer between a moving curtain of snowflakes to see buildings normally ugly, metallic, become alluring and attractive once they're coated with a coat of snow.

Yeah from the above paragraph you can probably tell it's snowing now, and that I'm in a "poetic" fit (which has led to much inane doggeral in previous entries).

Snow reminds me that the great Sky Pilot is so alive. Not just alive as in He exists, but alive in the fact that He's always active and in control, I think. He sings* "He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing".He dances*- "He will dance with shouts of joy for you as on the day of a festival". He moves and He acts** - "And God will wipe the tears from every face. He will remove every sign of disgrace from His people, wherever they are".

And I think that He's constantly on the move, and He delights in seeing things dance and move and become better and sing His praises with no words or music but just by their loveliness and reflection of who He is. I think that may have been why He made the seasons, where the trees bud and then the leaves change from green to red and gold and brown and drift gently down the trees in a constant stream of confetti; I think that may have been why He made the sky with its ever-changing colours and the clouds moving across it in an endless variety of shapes and symbols, I think that may have been why He made the wind with its lovely song and invisible form and eternal, unrelieved journey.

And I think that may have been why He made snow.

*Zephaniah 3:17
**Isaiah 25: 8

I Want To Be Bald*

2005-02-17T11:51:00.000Z

Some want to be the loyal dog with eyes of strong devotion
some want to be the cat, with sly feline seduction.
Some say they like the eagle, as it with piercing eyes
spies and traps the field mouse, with loud victorious cries.

Some say they want to be a monkey full of jokes and fun
some want to be a sloth asleep in coat of comfy dun
But I, who am a lady, and as everyone as some
I want to be a little worm a-snuggled in a lump.

I think the worm is humble, and he's much overlooked.
He crawls along the ground all day with faeces as his food.
He makes the soil good soil for the crops and flowers to grow,
his arms are nonexistent but their extent I cannot show.

He has no hair, he's proudly bald and cares not for his face
And yet his beauty shines through in his slender quiet grace.
His silence, and his diligence, and contentment with his lot
Are qualities which were often over many decades fought.

He wriggles funnily sometimes, he's not devoid of humour
And cares naught for the "early bird" sort of terrifying rumour
He loves his gentle life which each day may bring to end
And lives it, giving all, treating all as welcome friend.

I want to be the humble worm, who trodden on w'out mercy
Makes no protest or upcry but lies broken on the ground.
I want to be like him, who despised and lowly treated
Immobolised and helpless still clings on without a sound.

O lovely worm, as you lie there, do you in quiet faith know
That someday for your cursed life more lives will breathe and grow
O fragment of a bruised existence do you ever feel the pain
of the crushing, of the suffering, that brings to life again?

My balding friend, I think he knows, that just an hour later
His two split halves will walk away, life not one whit abated.
He cannot grin, he has no eyes, he crawls away again.
And when he comes of length must he another time face pain.

But I know, like the placid worm, that I am helping in the garden
Of thorny soils, of rocky soils, I am the unseen warden
And though the way to multiply is sorrowful and long
I must content and faithful be to work among the pong.

*crap

Susana's Birthday

2005-02-17T02:57:00.000Z

Hiding in front of her house with the cake we waited breathlessly for Clarissa to come back and open the door for us so that we could hide in Susana's room and spring out to surprise her.

The lights were all off and our lightsticks (a.k.a. mobile phones) were lit and ready. "Shall we sing 'Happy Birthday' or 'Oh Susanna'?" I said and Andrew giggled.

A moment of great shock and anguish when Clarissa got a phone call saying that Susana had gone to the computer clusters and we clutched each other wondering what to do with Clarissa lamenting in her pretty Brazilian accent.

And as we were holding each other the object of our grief came in unconsciously and stood framed in the doorway for a moment.

We recovered ourselves and shooed her out frantically, switched off the lights and sang happy birthday when she entered again.

And Brazilian music was playing in the background with those beautiful beats and everyone was sitting around chatting in perfect harmony.

Taiwan, Singapore, Brazil, China, Malaysia, Indonesia, all happily nattering away as though there weren't any differences between us.

It was a beautiful time, one of those moments I wish I could freeze and look back on, over and over again, and the only way I can do that is by writing it all down here.

And ending the night with prayer for Susana and hopes of going to Brazil on our repective honeymoons.

Thank You, that even though we're so different we can have so much to talk about and so much in common. Thank You for the unity in everyone's hearts, and thank You that each of us has a part to play.

Slivers of Time

2005-02-15T17:41:00.000Z

I freeze perfect moments in my mind
And sometimes in quiet live them over and over again
Like watching a video I slip into the past vicariously
There are too many moments like these now
And I fear that I cling on to things substanceless
They disappear, they evaporate, with the ticking of a second they are gone.

As the second hand moves I comfort myself
With the thought that no one else has ever done what I'm doing now
No one else has ever been who I am
No one else can be right in my place right at that moment
And yet it is relentless, this second hand
The time it ticks off is moved away in little slivers
But soon the little slivers add up to a quarter, a third, a whole.

I wish perfect moments could be
the little slivers adding up to a whole of my life
But maybe the bitterest chunks of living
Will cause me to savour perfection more.
And maybe, just maybe
this bitterness is but a part of perfection.

Only One Thing

2005-02-15T14:16:00.000Z

This morning I woke up after a series of disturbing dreams, and showered still in a daze, came out of the shower and put this song* on repeat:

What can take a dying man,
raise him up to life again?
What can heal a wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness...brokenness?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall...
Mighty is
the power of the cross.

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones?
What can save and overcome...overcome?

It's still a miracle to me
It's still a mystery
It's still a miracle to me
The power of God
For those who believe.

I told Him everything then... my envy, my strife, my competition, my pride, everything about myself and the kind of person I was. And it was a relief to ask for His forgiveness, knowing that He would change me and help me to obey Him. Even though I've enjoyed myself the last few weeks, had friends up, was going out to eat almost everyday, had everything I could ever want or ask for, nothing can compare to talking to Him, and knowing Him.

Even if it should bring me great sorrow or suffering, I do want to follow Him. Because I have found the greatest treasure in all the world, and there is only one thing I ask - that I may dwell in His courts all the days of my life, and gaze upon His beauty.

I think I can say with Solomon that I have tasted pleasure and that it is meaningless and empty. And if you want to find out more, you can read on:

"I said to myself, come now, let's give pleasure a try. Let's look for the good things in life. But I found that this, too, was meaningless. 'It is silly to be laughing all the time', I said. 'What good does it do to seek only pleasure?' After much thought, I decided to cheer myself with wine. While still seeking wisdom, I clutched at foolishness. In this way, I hoped to experience the only happiness most people find during their brief time in the world.

I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards. I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees. I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves. I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned great herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who lived before me. I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire!

...Anything I wanted, I took. I did not restrain myself from any joy. I even found great pleasure in hard work, an additional reward for all my labours. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to achieve, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was really nothing worthwhile anywhere."1

Wine - symbolising unrestrained pleasure, silver and gold - symbolising wealth and possesions, singers - symbolising art and music, and concubines - symbolising love and sexual pleasure, afforded Solomon no satisfaction, nor can it afford me any satisfaction, although none of these are wrong in themselves in their proper context and used wisely. However, in the end, the only conclusion one can come to is this:

"Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honour him in your youth before you grow too old and don't enjoy living. It will be too late then to remember him, when the light of the sun and moon and stars is dim to your old eyes, and there is no silver lining left among the clouds. Your limbs will tremble with age, and your strong legs will grow weak. Your teeth will be too few to do their work, and you will be blind, too. And when your teeth are gone, keep your lips tightly closed when you eat! (I see Solomon has a sense of humour) Even the chirping of birds will wake you up. But you yourself will be deaf and tuneless, with a quavering voice. You will be afraid of heights and of falling, white-haired and withered, dragging along without any sexual desire. You will be standing at death's door. And as you near your everlasting home, the mourners will walk along the streets.

Yes, remember your Creator now while you are young, before the silver cord of life snaps and the golden bowl is broken. Don't wait until the water jar is smashed at the spring and the pulley is broken at the well. For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it."2

And again, many centuries later, Paul echoed this line of thought when he said,

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already attained this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "3

I hope that one day you too may realise that there is no better thing, and I hope that all of us may press on - press on.

* Mighty Is the Power of the Cross by Chris Tomlin
1 Ecclesiastes 2 : 1 - 11
2 Ecclesiastes 12 : 1 - 7
3 Philippians 3 : 7 - 14

Cosi Fan Tutte

2005-02-14T23:36:00.000Z

I've been feeling a little cranky lately. Nothing serious, but I hope that the mood swings will go away soon. Cosi Fan Tutte, but I would like to be an extraordinary woman.

The crocuses are out and some of the daffodils are out. And tonight while walking home en route from Parkinson's steps to the library the sky was glittering with stars. It was such a clear night and so beautiful. Perhaps I've been feeling discontent in my heart recently. But just looking up at the stars I think to myself, if God really does have a plan for my life then it's enough to just do my best and trust Him, and there's really nothing to get upset or worried about; all things small and big are in His hands. Even though I feel I am so imperfect sometimes, I have just to leave myself in His hands...

Last Friday I went to Fruity again, and the tallest and hunkiest guy (I thought) in there was somewhere near me. We smiled at each other a few times, and he came up and said, "I never thought I would say this, but you must be the most attractive girl here."

I knew it was a line. I really knew it but how needy a human being can be sometimes. I didn't believe what he said, and yet I wanted to. Said thank you and we danced a little together. But I didn't like that we hadn't said more than 10 words to each other, I didn't like that he knew nothing of the sort of person I was and I didn't know anything about him except that he was studying aviation and his good looks. And I didn't like the way he was smiling, and I didn't like many things about the situation I was in.

And I said, "I'm sorry but I have to go to the loo" and went out and gathered my thoughts for a bit, and came back in when everyone decided to leave.

So nothing happened and that was good. There was a time sometime ago when I wouldn't have had the will or strength to walk away, I think, but somehow I just couldn't continue dancing with him then. Something just made me walk away, but walking away was painful too. I can't explain it. It's like doing what you know is best for yourself even though you don't enjoy it, like how I eat a banana everyday for my digestion even though I don't like it.

There isn't any black-and-white about the situation. It's perfectly clear. You go out to clubs and enjoy the music, and whatever guys come up to you, well, you know that it's perfectly clear that it's all based on superficial attraction. Unless you can carry on a proper conversation with them, I seriously see no good that can come out of these kinds of situations...

And the only thing that can help you to walk away is knowing that God has something far, far better. Even if the "better" turns out to be harder, longer, even if it's something you have to wait for, cry about, trust Him for, give up, leave behind. No turning back, no compromise, no idolising; but obedience, trust, and surrender.

Beautiful

2005-02-11T16:50:00.001Z

In His time,
In His time.
He makes all things beautiful
In His time...
Lord, please show me everyday
As you're teaching me your way
That you do just what you say
In Your time.

In Your time,
In Your time.
You make all things beautiful
In Your time...
Lord, my life to you I bring
May each song I have to sing
Be to you a lovely thing
In your time.

This was my favourite Sunday School songs which always brought tears to my eyes as a little kid, and we always used to sing this song after:

Beautiful, Beautiful
Jesus makes beautiful
Jesus makes beautiful
The things of my life
touching me, changing me
causing my eyes to see
Jesus makes beautiful
the things of my life.

Everyday when I look in the mirror I always remember that He makes all things beautiful in His time so I won't despair : )

And when everything in my life seems so ugly and worthless, why I know that He will change me and give me a tender heart for my heart of stone. And He will beautify, and I will continue on trusting in His perfect timing.

A Little Bit Rambly And Preachy

2005-02-11T13:08:00.000Z

I have been trying to start another blog to address questions and issues we all think about, but haven't gotten down to it yet. Argh...

Started today in a bad mood because I was very indisciplined last night. Even while talking to a friend about the seven sins mentioned in Proverbs I realise that I have them all and especially I am so lazy! Yesterday I don't know what came over me and I got out two DVDs from the library and watched them all in one go! Chocolat and Romeo + Juliet. Both were really good but it was an overdose of indulgence really. As a result I felt horrible and hungover and headachy this morning.

Chocolat was interesting. It was about indulging yourself rather than denying yourself pleasure. A staid, traditional Catholic village is turned upside down when a pretty atheist woman turns up selling almost magically delicious chocolates. Little by little the villagers learn to give in to their own desires and do what's good for them rather than what the mayor says. In the end, the mayor also succumbs to the chocolate and becomes a better and humbler and more human man.

It was funny watching it because I liked it and understood and appreciated it, from the worldly point of view, but I could also see things from a Christian point of view. To everyone else it seems strange to deny yourself and to do what isn't natural to do; and it seems so restrictive and altogether frigid and unaccepting and humourless and narrow. I think, though, that it is the better way.

To let go always means making room for something better. I think that there's always a perfect and correct plan for each of us. Following your natural desires makes you a slave to them at times. Of course I'm not saying that we should not eat or that we should cut ourselves with knives. However freedom isn't just doing what you want, and freedom isn't being enslaved and consumed by what you want. Freedom is unrestriction in perfection, and the perfection can only come about by knowing God's plan.

Alot of people may think that the Christian God just pounces on things we don't want to do and says, "Do that. Sacrifice your son Isaac. Give up your life. Deny yourself, leave your loved ones, and follow me." It is true, He does ask us to sacrifice and there is a cost involved in following Him. But this is the better way, because to know Him is the greatest purpose and the greatest thing we can ever be called to do or fulfill.

I guess we just have to correct our views on God. He wants all the best for us and we have to believe that. We're all looking for fulfillment in life. But however free you think you are, you aren't free if -

"What I do not want to do I do, but what I hate I do... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing."

Yet God has a better way for us. Life abundant is available and free. Sorry, I didn't mean to preach, so I will write about it in the other blog and you can read it if you want and if you're interested.

I hope for freedom in my own life, too, greater freedom from things I possess and want, til in the end there is only one thing that compels me, one thing that enslaves me - love.

If I am out of my mind, it is for the sake of God; if I am in my right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels me, because I am convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

DON'T complain, criticise, condemn

2005-02-10T16:52:00.000Z

Events of the past few days have led me to wonder where the fine line is between gossip and being concerned for other people, revealing private information about your friends' friends and making light entertaining conversation, genuinely loving people and being nosy and judgemental. No doubt, examining my private life, I have been guilty of the worst of all three. Perhaps I need to watch what I say more closely.

I remember as a little kid when I used to be babysat by my aunt, I always used to play around my cousin's bed which had a number of stickers and quotes stuck on it and one of them, a bright yellow sticker, said in huge blue letters, "Don't Complain, Criticise, Condemn." As a little child I had no idea what any of these words meant but I liked it and memorised it because of the alliteration (fine kid!). Really "hope and expect" that this will be the kind of person I will become.

When Paul said, "I eagerly hope and expect that I will in no way be ashamed, but that Christ will be glorified in my body whether by life or by death", I was glad and encouraged to read that. For he didn't know, nor was he certain, but he only had hope and expectation. I often wonder whether one day if or when someone holds a gun to my head and says in a foreign tongue, "orrrguuhg nfeuyy arrrrrghhhuuuu Christ?" (translation - do you believe in Christ?) I will have the guts to say "Yes". But I hope and expect, too, that Christ will be glorified in my body whether by life or by death, and even though I'm not certain, I know that I don't really have to worry about the future if I walk with Him now.

Along the lines of "Don't complain, criticise, condemn", Daniel said something yesterday which struck me alot, and that was something from one of John Maxwell's books about leadership. He said that making a list of all the things you didn't want to do, and then doing them, was leadership. I don't know whether that really is leadership; I have my doubts about that kind of definition, but I do know that doing things you don't like (in moderation) builds character and discipline. And that's good.

So since then I've been trying to do more things I don't like, but I don't think I've done enough of them yet. So here is a small list of things I'll try to do.

1. Pray for blessings for people I don't like/ am annoyed with
2. Go out with my friend's friends
3. Talk to people I am unfamiliar with (in halls or in church)
4. Do more work in the library
5. Run errands for people if they ask me to.

Yeah... sorry if this is rambly or boring or preachy. I guess you must be used to it by now, anyway, if you're still reading this blog. Anyway, am off to the gym now with Katie. If the cycling machine doesn't crack under my weight, it should end up being a productive time.

Chinese New Year

2005-02-09T22:08:00.000Z

It's Chinese New Year today.

Woke up early in the morning to a phone call from my dad and talked to all the members of my family one by one. Told my mum about the sugar-fried rice and she cackled loudly (my mum is the person I get my cackle from!) Was very, very touched and glad that I'd managed to talk to them first thing in the morning. When they hung up, the tears just came because I was so touched and because I really missed them then.

It's Chinese New Year today and people back home are gathering for reunion dinners and wearing new clothes. My dad and mum are sleeping soundly after a full day of cooking and fellowship and fun and laughter and my brother and sister-in-law are probably watching a movie together at home or listening to him play his Steinway. My cousin is awake feeding her little baby and my friends are comparing what they got in their red packets.

It's Chinese New Year today and I'm dressed in white, not red. I've not received any ang pows this year. I'm not with my family, and I've not had jellyfish or sea slug or chicken feet or black fungus or any of the (disgusting?) exotic things the Chinese eat on New Year's Day, and I've not heard any Chinese songs on the streets which are not decorated in red. I've not had any mandarin oranges nor offered anybody any, and there isn't an upside-down "fu" on my door.

I have spent this day with my dearest friends, though, and we had Charco's chicken (a real rip-off of Nandos!) Instead of Chinese music, we were subjected to Portuguese (possibly Indian?) music, and instead of jellyfish or sea slug or chicken feet or black fungus or any of the (disgusting?) exotic things the Chinese eat on New Year's day, we had chicken and after that chocolate cake and ice-cream. Instead of giving each other mandarin oranges and asking for ang pows we shared and joked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. And even though I may not have had a very traditional Chinese New Year, I can't imagine a better one really - a quiet one spent with my Leeds family.

It's Chinese New Year today and after typing out this blog, I'm going to walk home jeans dragging in the streets shining with rain and hair damp in the drizzle. I'm going to tidy up my room to Chris' CD and watch Casablanca on my laptop while my dad and mum stir from their sleep and get ready for another new day. And as my dad puts the kettle on and makes the sandwiches, I'll brush my teeth and sit on my bed and think about my day.

And as I finally close my diary to Satie's Gymnopedies and open the curtains so that the sunlight will wake me up and snuggle down under the quilt, my dad sits down in the early morning light to write out his sermon for Sunday and my mum stands in front of the classroom "moulding the future of our nation" :oP

It's Chinese New Year - and on the other side of the world, it's already over; but I'm thinking of you and I hope you all had a meaningful one.

Fried Rice Escapades and other Stories

2005-02-09T14:33:00.000Z

Was at Andrew's place making fried rice for the gathering yesterday, and because it was late at night and I was tired, was frying the rice in batches of three cups per batch and using all his condiments (fine word!) without really knowing what they were. So I was on the phone with Julee, having already seasoned two batches of eggs and rice with a fine white powder in a little blue container that looked for all the world like very innocent salt.

I'd tasted the first two batches and wondered why they seemed a little sweet, and I thought to myself that the five-spice powder I'd been using was very strong or that I'd used too much of it, and that it'd made the rice sweet. I was pretty amazed at the efficacy of the five-spice powder.

So half-onthephonewithJulee and half-stirringtherice I suddenly got it into my head to smell the "salt" and realised that it didn't smell anything like salt at all. It smelt, in fact, like sugar.

And then I burst into loud cackles and told Julee that the first two batches of egg and rice were seasoned with sugar. We didn't breathe a word to the rest of the people who ate it though, except Sunny, Jean, Daniel, Andrew, and Katie... oops... that's alot of people isn't it?

This is the kind of thing you only read about in books but which happens to me on a regular basis.

Amazing Grace

2005-02-04T16:14:00.000Z

I went to watch an opera yesterday with Katie. It was performed by Opera North at the Grand Theatre (a lovely old theatre tucked away in a dodgy alley) and we only paid £5 to see it because of the student rates for Opera North perfomances! We were sitting right in the middle of the theatre and could even see the orchestra pit! It was marvellous marvellous marvellous and Katie's cherry drops were marvellous and Ninetta's voice was indescribable.

It was called "The Thieving Magpie", and was about a woman sentenced to death for stealing when the culprit was actually a magpie. There were a couple of funny lines, one about wine: "Even the milk from his mother's nipple can't compare" - repeated and tossed around by various singers vibrato, tremolo and goodness knows what else - and another one, when Ninetta was trying to ward off a suitor - "I hate you, I abhor you, you disgust me!" - only when sung it sounded more like "Oooiiiiiii hate yoooooooooou, I abhorrrrrrr yoooooouuuuuu, yoooooooouuu disGUST me!"; they made Katie and I glance sideways at each other and smile.

Yesterday, though, I felt as though I'd wasted alot of time. After I got back I tried to get some journals out from the library but the maze of shelves lost me entirely and I was half-afraid, it being close to midnight, that the shelves would suddenly close and smash me like a little invertebrate in between. I couldn't find what I was looking for so I went home and did my laundry until 3 in the morning, while watching Shakespeare in Love, so I went to sleep with my head all muggy and unclear and woke up feeling horrible and unfocussed at 9 today.

I felt horrible all the way to uni, and then went in to the Maths department to get my results (Biology ones haven't come out yet). As I walked down towards the room of doom, I remembered that painful week of exams, that one night where I'd felt I'd been in the valley of the shadow of death, how I hadn't eaten anything until my exam ended at 5 on two days, how after one particular exam I'd had the sinking feeling that I would fail, how the night before that exam I'd hardly slept and cried every half an hour and had felt so alone. How I'd walked those days entirely in God's strength, because if I'd relied on my own strength I would have collapsed long ago. How it had been a very dark week for me.

Opened the envelope expecting to see barely passing marks, but instead I saw impossibly good marks and the reality sank in that I'd done well. The past year had been full of downs and my results had suffered, but now, for the first time, I was doing well again. And for the module I hadn't understood and thought I'd fail, I'd passed with a good mark. Thinking back, I knew that I hadn't written anything of myself worth getting such marks for! I remember thinking after that paper that I'd written a load of rubbish. But He who had turned the water into wine had done it again. How, I didn't know, but I knew that He had done it.

As I walked up the stairs I was so overwhelmed with a sense of God's grace. I hadn't studied enough, I'd tried to predict which questions would come out, I'd studied selectively, I hadn't done my tutorials consistently, I hadn't even understood what I was studying at times, I didn't deserve to do well. But He had pulled me through. He had given me strength, and now His grace overwhelmed me with my results. Was blinking hard and sniffling as I walked blindly to my next lecture... His grace was so real, and so good.

These few days I've realised how very weak I am of myself. But I am glad, and I will boast of my weaknesses, for where I am weak, there He is strong, and there is His grace sufficient for me.

One day, if I ever have a daughter, I think I might just name her Grace

Imagination

2005-02-03T17:19:00.000Z

I went to see my professor over my dissertation today and there were several of us there, so we ended up spending almost an hour in that stuffy room and because most of the things he was talking about were in the module handbook already, I ended up gazing at him and the others and dreaming away. I remember thinking that he had a ridiculously young nose, and writing "ridiculously young nose" on the palm of my hand to save for blogging later.

One of the guys who works at The Terrace in the Union (for convenience's sake, let's call him GWWATTITU) has the same nose - large, snub, very distinct - as the professor; and I was wondering whether he would look like him when he grew up; staring at the professor's large bulging eyes that never seemed to focus on you when you were speaking, his wide frog-like mouth, and the mass of his body settled ponderously on an office chair, I wondered whether the professor was some kind of species totally different from ours - a new highly evolved species surrounded by books and files and notes stacked in messy piles around the room.

I could imagine GWWATTITU growing up to be almost exactly like the professor - expanding a little in girth, with masses of fluffy grey hair shooting in all directions and settling neatly in a nice ironed suit of clothes and a ludicrous green checkered bowtie.

The girls in our group were interesting as well, two of them looking almost exactly like the caricatures of British girls I used to see in Asterix and Obelix comic books. I remember reading Asterix in Britian and thinking what a funny thing it was that Asterix's cousin (who was British) kept on saying "Jolly good, wot" and "rather!" and thinking how interesting the girls looked with the lips always apart and their very large protruding teeth. These girls in my tutorial group looked like living, breathing caricatures. Though I think, of course, that the average British girl is very pretty.

Another of the girls was very quiet and shy and you could tell by the way she sat with her hands folded on her lap. When the professor made a droll comment, she would smile slightly while the rest of us would giggle. She barely lifted her eyes to look at anyone, and had them cast down to the floor most of the time. She was very simply and awkwardly dressed. I thought she was very sweet and would have liked to talk to her, but didn't get the chance, and I know I shouldn't have been wandering off while the professor was talking but I found myself wondering why she was so shy and pensive; had her parents been very strict or had she grown up like the Bronte sisters on a moor with few companions save the sheep and horses?

Think my imagination has been running wild these few days - too much imagination can affect the emotions, too, sometimes. Sorry for such an incoherent entry, will write a better one next time!

Going to The Ant

2005-02-02T16:09:00.000Z

"As the door turns on his hinges, so does the sluggard on his bed." - Proverbs 26:14

This proverb, apart from making me laugh because the image it conjures is really funny, reminds me of a question Andy asked us at his last house party when we were all sitting on the settee chatting the night away - "Why do you get out of bed?"

I think I get out of bed just because I have to, but I would like to think the world would have been made a little different just because I'd got out of bed. I can't waste the day away, because if I do, I might as well stay in bed (which I have done before). I can remember countless unproductive days lying on my bed in my second year surfing the internet for goodness knows what, becoming a sort of fat green capsicum. It's a good thing I don't have internet now, but there are many more ways I can be more productive in what I do.

I remember countless report cards saying, "Easily distracted during class" and long periods of dreaming away and automatically switching off during lectures. I remember frantic last-minute rushes to hand in essays and assignments. Even now, I only work hard for the things I like doing, like preparing for cell group or thinking of things to do with cell group, and push everything else aside to the last minute (including coursework and even eating, sometimes). What can I do to change this laziness? It sometimes seems as though I will never change. But worse things in me have been changed by God before, and I think He will change this too. Ripping some verses off a website linked by the side, the cure for laziness is:-

In all things, whatsoever you do:
1. Do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31)
2. Do all in the name of the Lord Jesus (Colossians 3:17)
3. With all your heart as though working for the Lord (Colossians 3: 23)

I really want to be diligent right now and endeavour in myself to do everything with all my heart, rather than learn the hard way through bad results or discipline or knowing that I could have done better. This is a lesson I have to learn, and I don't want to be learning it all my life through regrets and pain. Teach me to be disciplined, to do what I say I will, and to do my best in everything.

Rhythms

2005-02-01T13:44:00.000Z

After church on Sunday we were walking home and I was daydreaming and looking up at the sky. It was like the smoothest piece of blue canvas with candy floss clouds scattered randomly across it and I exclaimed, "The sky is so nice!" To my surprise, no one looked upwards but they all turned their heads and Susana said, "Is it this guy?" and some of them attempted to wave at a random guy who was walking past us at that moment. It turned out that they'd all heard, "This guy is so nice!"

So obviously have to work on my pronunciation!

These past few days have been packed and they're flying by so quickly that I'm afraid the time will come soon that I have to pack my bags and leave for the summer. The weather's getting warmer and I'm afraid spring will come soon and everything will start to grow and change. Not that I don't want spring to come; I just know that every day that passes by in a wink hastens the day when I'll have to go back and tear up all the little rootlets I've planted in Leeds over the last three years.

I went with Katie to Strawberry Fields yesterday for a "poetry slam". I'm not too sure what they called it; but some of our coursemates from philosophy last year organised it. They gather once every few weeks to read their poetry aloud to each other. Not lovely, romantic poetry; but poetry quite real and blunt and reflective, and crude, at times. Didn't know what to expect when we were going, but it turned out that we were so absorbed in listening to the poems that we quite forgot ourselves and I had a great time.

One of the women, a frank, humorous, drily self-deprecating woman recited the best poems of the night, I thought. One of the poems was about being mediocre at everything, and I thought it was so funny, and real, and honest! Another of the poems had the loveliest line which I've forgotten already - think it was something like "running my fingers over his perfect ribcage" - am not very helpful, am I?

So this got me to thinking about the state of my writing, and how I need to start being more observant and jotting down my thoughts - photocopied some of my notes today and noticed how one of the guys in front was organising his notes on a little table. From time to time one of the sheets would flutter down to the ground with a curious rhythm, falling and then sweeping back up again and falling again in the briefest of seconds, and he would respond a second too late also mimicking the rhythm of the paper falling, and I thought it was peculiarly poetic. Life is made up of beats - the little breaks between which we do things, the pauses between conversations, irregular tap-taps of our eyelids and the flicking of our heads, sometimes, to look at whither and whom; the silences and the rhythms of our actions sometimes say more than doing ever could.

Better get back to proper work - The Geophysics and Astrophysics of Fluids calls.

Contradictions?

2005-01-30T17:58:00.000Z

These few days have been such happy days for me that I feel a little worried that I'm going to burst with happiness or forget the Source of all my happiness. Today the speaker in church said, "When you're happy, God whispers; when you're sad, God shouts." I just hope that I will always be aware in my happiness that I still have to keep my ears open!

One of the Beatitudes says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." And in Ecclesiates it says, "Sorrow is better than happiness, for a sad face is good for the heart."

Somewhere else in Proverbs it says, "A merry heart does good like a medicine.", and Ecclesiastes says again, "Therefore I commend mirth, because a man has no better thing under the sun than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry."

Is there a contradiction there? Some might say so. But I don't think there is. I think the heart of it all lies in Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 8 ...

There is a time for everything, and a time for every season under heaven.
A time to give birth, and a time to die.
A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain,
A time to search, and a time to give up,
A time to keep, and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend;
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Even in the midst of laughter and dancing, there is a time to mourn; a time when you're silent and realise that there is so much more you can do for the people around you, a time when you look at yourself and see that you are truly nothing, weak and helpless; a time when you look in sorrow at your selfish motivations - like filthy rags - and commit yourself to Him in tears; to ask Him to be the only one you can lean on, and to ask Him to help you in your weakness.